Marching Drums

Do you hear it?
Better yet, feel it?
Your world you really think you can heal it?
Try and tell me you can never go numb
Can't hear the screams against the beat of the marching drums

Do you fear it?
As they scramble to get near it
Can you fight against something so endeared to them
Never back down, never succumb
Whose standing up against the beat of the marching drums

Lie awake at night dreaming of solitude
Quietaphobics all just leading the way
Don't need your hatred
Don't want no sympathy
Just take a look inside at uniform conformity

So does it move you (the beat of the marching drum)?
Does it remove you (the beat of the marching drum)?
Strip out your hopelessness (the beat of the marching drum)?
And leave an empty sense of bliss

If the rhythm stopped, where would that leave you
Noiseaholics couldn't find their own way
Wander in silence
Sink into violence
Lost in the dark in the light of the day

Do you fight it?
Run away and hide from it
Or just embrace the emptiness and lie with it
Let it slip away, losing all that you have won
It's so much easier, moving to the marching drums

So does it move you (the beat of the marching drum)?
Does it remove you (the beat of the marching drum)?
Take all your innocence (the beat of the marching drum)?
Catatonic, now you're moving on with nothing left!

Later-E

I've had my fill, take it elsewhere!

Continuing on from yesterday's theme, with hopefully a bit more focus.
I mentioned being lethargic and bummed for a long time, with some new energy and hope coming into the picture, to focus my angst and my anger.
Unfortunately, for those couple of entities out there that believe I am financially indebted to them, my war starts in their yards.
While there are many things I care about in the world, and could channel my energy towards, I realize that my biggest ethical issues revolve around corporate entities (couldn't have guessed this by previous posts I'm sure), worker treatment, tyranny and the abuses of money.

As an Economics AND Philosophy major, my head has always been wrapped up in the material vs the spiritual, maintaining what they call the 'life-work' balance and what it takes to make one happy in our modern materialistic world.

Traditionally I have been labelled as somewhat of a 'hippy freak', given that money has never been my focus. I have watched a lot of it come and go, with hardly a care.
Over the past 5 years or so, since having children and striving to give them what I was told to be the American dream, I have completely lost touch with my traditions. I speak a good game, but I still sacrifice myself to the 'man' much more than I ever dreamed I would.

I'm done. It's not about the life of the company, it's about my life and the life of my family.

I have always been gifted at encouraging others to take this path, make their own way, evaluate their loyalties on a constant basis, and 'question authority', but I have fallen short of being a role model in this area. One of my favorite things to say (as a manager and counselor in the workplace) have been 'Your kids won't care if you're a Senator or even God if you aren't there for them. Better to be an available and happy gas station attendant'.

But this requires inner strength, conviction and fortitude, which I gave up along the way to the ideas of success through slavery. I'm done with that shit! The old me was the guy that quit because he couldn't spend enough time with his family and wasn't willing to make that sacrifice. Hell, the old me was the guy that stood up to the Soccer Coach in High School on the subject of fairness, only to be personally punished and not backed up by my teammates. I will be this me again.

We are so pathetically weak as individuals when it comes to our personal goals, rights and freedoms, making trade-offs that we convince ourselves are good ones, but regret for years to come. We allow ourselves to be shit upon, abused, neglected and used up by faceless companies as well as by the wanna-be dictators and tyrants (with faces) that populate the ranks of workforce management. Used car salesmen (if you truly are one, please excuse the reference) who deal in human souls without a second thought. Fuck that!

That is the underlying position I am taking for the coming battle. Timing is perfect, since right at this moment I am sitting in an overvalued Suburban home being harrassed by lovely entities such as T-Mobile and Target for pennies that I contend are not theirs to take. All of this at a time of economic unrest, housing market bubbles, bank collapses and the revealing of monetary greed like never seen before. I've had my fill!

Americans for Fairness in Lending beckoned to me this morning, through a fortuitous turn of events that had my friend sending me a link to a news article on predatory lending and the abuse of the American public by greedy lending institutions. It took no time at all for me to realize that my fight would start here, with the AfFiL, and that the first thing I needed to do was stand up and tell these abusive entities (starting with the two mentioned above plus my mortgage company) to fuck off and take it elsewhere.

I have rights, they are my rights and I won't give them away. I will no longer be the average Joe that bends over for these creditors on a whim, riddled with guilt and anxiety over an indebtedness that is fictitious (or even real for that matter). I'm the client, I'm the customer, I'm a real person and it is completely within my rights to stand up and say 'prove it, and until you do, don't call me again or I will be the one filing charges'

Sound bold? That's only because you were taught that you couldn't do this, that it was somehow unworthy. That you really need to just make the best of it and suck it up. I know you all have heard those things before (make the best of it, etc.) and again I say.....screw that!

I will not suck it up. I will not lay down and bend over anymore. I will not enslave myself to a corporation that will most likely die (go under) before me. They are transient, living in the ethereal world, and in the long run, mean nothing to me and my life.

People are real, people are worth saving, people are going to be here longer than these beasts of greed, and the investment has to be in reality. As comment on the current economic crisis, I say let the corporations fall, they only serve to manipulate and rule through greenbacks. I do understand and want to ensure that this course does not 'trickle down' on good people, so I will accomodate the idea that some degree of bailout is needed here, but accountability needs to be a factor and many need to fail. Do I care about that? I care about the job losses, I care about the effects on you and me and my neighbors around the world, but about the entities themselves, I could care less.

I know a lot of folks invested in careers, wearing corporate logos and eating, drinking, sleeping and shitting their jobs to the detriment of all else in their lives. I'm so sorry they were duped and hope someday they will snap out of it because all I see in their futures is frustration, dependence and death, after being cast aside into a lonely post-usefulness existence. Pity.

But as for me, no more! If you think I owe you anything, think again. Every promise I made under false pretense I am rescinding, and taking back what's mine. So if you do feel I owe you, be ready to prove it to me or take it elsewhere!

Later-E

Fast, furious and somewhat funny world

That would be funny peculiar more than funny ha-ha, although there have certainly been some ha-ha moments since last I posted (end of July).

I'm not sure that it has put me on any road to hell that I wasn't already driving, but my intention to post daily and let it all out has been just that (intention) for nearly two months now.

It crossed my mind, but then again, so did many things, and I have found myself having less and less time despite my irritation with having less and less time (the irritation didn't help). So, since July, my workload has gone up substantially while at the same time I am trying to get my life together to move on to other employment, we went to the beach for a week at the end of August and that certainly flew by too quickly, we started the kids in school at the beginning of September, which now has the whole family up and working by 6AM, and so much more.

Schedules, field trips, tasks, vacations.....wow. And now I prep to enjoy my 10th anniversary with Athena. 10 years, and again....wow.

Looking at the way 10 years has flown past, it is little wonder that a couple of hectic months can pass by like a day. I'll take this and reaffirm my intention to post every day, with the understanding that this is a virtual day, perhaps only distantly related to the actual passage of time.

Neat times, a little nervous, a little giddy, I would like to say somewhat relaxing but I'm not sure that part is true. We are in the process of considering job changes, moving somewhere new, getting involved in more community/activism type activities, watching the rapidly approaching election unfold as the economy collapses, and working on several lifestyle changes, while at the same time continuing to do the norm (work, sleep, eat, live, learn, play). It's a lot, and the day goes from 5AM to 8PM for the boys, to 10PM for us, without much of a break in the flow.

There is a huge sense of not really knowing what may happen tomorrow (the nervous and giddy part), both personally and globally. I have been marginalizing myself at work for nearly a year now, and although the dependence on what I do is still strong, it lessens daily. Add to that the fact that my boss isn't sure that his future (or the Seattle office's in general) is very secure and we have professional uncertainty. The 'where we live' issue (wanting to move and get out of Suburbia) was very stressful for a time, but has tapered back to a mild nervousness and uncertainty. Not sure exactly where we want to end up, but positive it's not here.

Globally, I can't say that I feel great about the upcoming Presidential Election. I'm nervous and uncertain that the country will do (what I think to be) the right thing to move forward into a 'better' world. Especially now that we are faced with what my opinion thinks of as the scariest VP candidate in my lifetime (and probably more). Furthermore, I can't know for sure if my mortgage and house are secure (not that I really care that much, since I want to leave anyway), so some added uncertainty.

But all of that, which is the nervous part, is overwhelmed by a renewed feeling of optimism for the future. There is a hope of better things to come, although it's scope is currently focused on just my family, and that change will be for the better, regardless. There is a renewed appreciation for the world with all it's features and faults, that is pulling me to get more involved in a greater community. There is a renewed wellspring of creativity and thought that is swelling within me and manifesting in some fantastic and fun ways. This is the neat part.

Put them together and I'm left with the giddy feeling I mentioned.

If nothing else, these are fast and wild times to live. I'm enjoying them, and if I had but one request, it would be that it went by a little slower and I had more time to relax. Oh well, it's just about October now, and with the lovely proton collider supposed to start whacking beams together this month, it may be a mute point (again, nervous/giddy) on a global scale. The entertaining of possibilities from that endeavor are endless.

Thus, with no real point to this post, I will leave it there, in hopes I can continue to get up here and say things that are a bit more poignant (at the least, with a point).

Later-E

Reclining Work

It was a strange week for work last week, like any of them are really normal these days. We had our ISP rolled over on Tuesday from comcast to qwest and had everything moved with it. Cable, internet, phones, cell phones, whatever.

So, as a guy that works at home, on the internet, it was a bit of a challenge for me. I was prepared for Tuesday and some downtime, but a Tuesday spent arguing about an incorrect modem (they sent one to connect a single hard wired computer, we have two of those and two to three wireless as well), followed by a Wednesday of no connection unless I was on the phone (a whole deal with the directtv phone stuff which was part of the package) left me a bit behind.

I have to say, the qwest tech, and the lovely automated phone system were nice enough to call me back a couple of times, letting me know they were 'working on it' and that finally 'they had resolved the issue'. This was especially pleasing since we had diagnosed and addressed it ourselves within 5 minutes of getting off the phone with unhelpful, but polite, tech. We were rocking and rolling, so what exactly they were working on, or eventually fixed, is beyond me.

Anyway, we did have to wait until Friday afternoon for a new modem, with a wireless router in it, to arrive. This left me working 3 days (I didn't hook up the new router until the evening) working as the only computer online, hardwired into the insufficient modem.

In one way it was neat, kind of good and productive. It is cool and somewhat dark down there and the boys didn't come down all day to disturb me. Normally (at least up until now, keeping in mind I have only really been full-time remote since the 4th) I work upstairs, in the living room, in my recliner. That's been okay, but in the mornings, the boys hang out for a good half hour/45 minutes, getting ready for the day, eating breakfast, stuff like that. And although they are fantastic for as young as they are about 'dad being at work' and 'not really there', that only goes so far.

And so it goes in a day. I am certainly productive and certainly get a lot done, but I often feel like I'm missing out, only because I can see the goings-on. On the flipside, I'm sure my boys wonder why I never get to do stuff they are doing during the day, regardless of the explanations of job and responsibility.

So, nearly a week of a different 'feel' and I am back in my recliner today, hooked up wireless, ready to roam and feeling pretty good about it. Today. I think I'm gonna mix it up a bit as we go and see how it all turns out. Funny part in all of this, I put a desk and power chord for my laptop back in the upstairs reading room (just behind the recliner I am currently planted in). I did so with the intention of using that spot for work, and had it ready to go 4th of July weekend, to start off the following Monday. 3 weeks later, I have yet to sit at that desk. Maybe this week....

Later-E

Half Full?

So I chuckle when it hurts
And I smirk when I see pain
It's a habit I formed long ago
Don't misread me, I'm okay

I just need release
From negativity
I just need to see
Insanity prevail

Giddyness is always my reaction in a crisis
It's a coping mechanism that I feed for inner stasis
I just need release I just need my glass to be half full and not the other
I just need some peace some reason to believe that I won't be another

Pessimistic masochistic hypocritic fuck
Narcisistic gone ballistic hyped franetic punk
Egocentric snob eclectic fed electric waste
Pornoholic hyperbolic way beyond good taste

Black comedy it feeds me well
With fun in the beholder
Encased in such a shallow shell
A smile can make me bolder

Later-E

The Meaning in the Message

I could write about a summer day
I could write to make you cry
Though it doesn't mean a thing but words
Unless you see the truth behind
The meaning in the message

I could tell you just how lovely
Your image is in moonlight
And how fragile sweet your being
I could make you feel just right

I could tell you you are wretched
Sick and lost and just a slave
You'd believe me, take it to heart
I could make you feel brave

But it's fleeting and it's fragile
And it's wrapped in window dressing
No one knows the truth behind it
Or the meaning in the message

I could speak of you as power
While I cut your inner heart
You would never know the difference
As I tore your soul apart

I could tell you that I love you
Would that serve to make it true
As I leave you at the altar
Some pathetic sad excuse

I could build you up like Moses
Preaching from the mountaintops
And then cut the hill beneath you
With one word I'll make it stop

Cause it's fleeting and it's fragile
And it's wrapped in window dressing
No one knows the truth behind it
Or the meaning in the message

Later-E

So Cool

Did they drop a bomb today?
If so I missed it on the news
What kind of bomb? and where to lay
The wounded and those hit with blues

But answered back in quiet voice
Was not a bomb but just a thing
A thing that hit me where it hurts
And left me with no voice to sing

I said but all the noise, the pain
The screaming and the crying so
Was this in fact for not but vain
Attempts to have a golden glow

Remember this
You shit and piss
Just like the rest
So far from best
And best is fiction
In your head
I find this sad
I find you dead

To me and all the rest outside
You're nothing but pathetic waste
I can't believe you feel so grand
About yourself that just your taste
Dictates the way it all should be
You pitch a fit if not easy
For you but you say screw the rest
The way you play is righteous, best

So cool, so condescending, ass
You rule, but fool, your time will pass

Later-E

My Chief

He holds me close and let's me know
That somehow i'm his hero
I've never felt so proud so tall
I live to be all that

He doesn't give to others like
He gives to me and wow
I've never been so honored just
To be seen as all that

And in his normal moments
Seems a bit lost in his thoughts
Introspective, somewhat sad
Such an old man in disguise
And the others they all tell me
I should show some more concern
Bout the nature of his being
As if i don't have a clue

They will never know the wonder
Of the bond that lies between
They can keep their words, their advice
For some other lost misguided

Doesn't play games
Hard to make him smile
Or laugh out loud but still
He has such joy and depth of soul

If there is anything that I
Worry about in this world
Is that he gets discouraged
By too much, too soon, too hard
And I strive to lighten all that
But he isn't one to take it
So we sit in retrospection both
And I hope for all the best...

For my Chief
Later-E

Resentment

My daddy gave you everything
You took it all including me
You gave my daddy nothing back
You piece of shit
You hypocrite
Your faceless persona I can't attack

My momma went to slave for you
You used her up and took her too
You left my momma nothing more
Than broken dreams
And endless screams
That echo as you close the door

On both
On more
On countless scores
Of used up tools
You made the rules
And broke them as they suited you

Hide behind the cheap disguise
Your fucking lies I do despise

And now I give you everything
A lesson I have yet to learn
I think I see but can't affect
A strong desire to watch it burn

And in my absence, my love fails
But in my presence nothing heals
You've left me nothing for the life
I long to lead, just pain and strife

My children and their children both
I hope for more, I hope they won't
Fall into this insipid trap
This hole of heart
This torn apart
This sacrifice they can't get back

Later-E

My Madness May Be Liberated!

Always approach such subjects with a grain of salt and a bit of hesitation, since truthfully, I could just be having a good day, or perhaps slipping into some new bit of madness I hadn't anticipated.

But over the past few weeks I have truly bled, and this time I let it out and let it go. I'm not sure anyone else would see it, as personal a journey as it has been, but things are different now.

I was so angry, to the point of non-function. I am still angry, but it is not personal anymore. I'm not out to hurt anyone in particular (although the same can not be said for entities such as schools, governments or businesses), and my anger to individuals has become an understanding of their weakness and a pity for their ignorant plight.

Some of this (hell, most of this) is completely personal. In my down, I was down on the world but primarily my own place within it. I felt ugly, worthless, used, hurtful, and really any other word that can detriment a person. When I finally came around to a realization of what is most important (moments of love, visions of beauty, laughter with friends), I started looking at doing better by myself.

I told my wife I needed to be selfish, and I did. I needed to selfishly set aside the time to clean, eat, exercise, and do things I enjoyed (guitar, reading, writing). I have done so over the past few weeks and I feel fantastic about it.

I eat like there is no tomorrow (which may not be good someday, but for a man that has to belt up a 30 inch pantline, its fine today), and am exercising twice plus (lots of physical work also) per day. I have spent more time with the family, playing, and more time outside, being fed by the sun. I have no intention on slipping back into my slump.
Admittedly, I still smoke and (the biggy) I drink way too much. I won't go into that too much farther, but suffice it to say that that sentence is an extreme understatement.

So, looking forward, more food, more exercise, more care for self, more time to play, more time to relax. A new job mixed with less drinking and less smoking is really the remainder of my current personal agenda.

Still, I am one pissed off dude when it comes to issues I see in the world, from war to famine to mistreatment to environmental rapage, but I can't go hit the picket lines if I can't face myself and get out of bed, so.......

Here we go!-E

Self-righteous assholes

Fucking Hypocritics!

So my neighbors catch the wife outside in front the other day, you know, doing some yardwork,
the whole 'hi neighbor', like I give a crap thing. And the lady next door, so sick and sweet
in presentation it could make you puke from the bullshit you are forced to ingest, says to her
'It would be really nice if you could keep your kids quiet when it gets late. You know, 7 8
o'clock and we are getting ready to settle down, and it would be nice if your children were
not so noisy'.

OK, I single quote, I paraphrase, because I was not actually there, but I have known my wife
for a while now, and I appreciate her perspective, so....regardless of the actual words, this
is what was said.

My first reaction....fuck you! My kids are 3 and 7 years old and rarely have friends over at
the late, late hours of 7 or 8 o'clock at night, so....again....fuck you! How much noise
could they really make? What about your teenage daughters being dropped off at 11, 12 or even 1 AM by the car with the rap sound system blaring in the driveway? Well, ok, that's music, so
I suppose it's forgiven. What about the car that comes to pick up the same girls in the
morning for school, at 6:30 AM, with the same music blaring, but adding the symphony of the
car horn to awaken the poor sleepy child, not yet ready to face the day.

Well guess what? Neither was I! It was fucking 6:30 and I was enjoying the peace and quiet
that I have BEFORE my family wakes up and shakes up the day.

So now, right now, the kicker. It is 8:15PM on a Tuesday and I am listening to the lawnmower
in the front yard next door. OMG! The absolute nerve. Of course, I will hold my tongue and
keep to myself, and resist the temptation to go next door and shove his left foot underneath
the goddamn thing just to prove a point. I cannot tell you how annoyed I am. So apparently,
blasting music, car horns and lawnmowers are ok during 'off' hours, but giggling and sometimes
exuberant joy from a 3 or 7 yr old boy is not.

We live in a world of white noise, where people don't understand the difference between the
sounds of life and the sound of existence. One is joy, the other necessity or at worse,
desperation. But we ignore, accept and even come to appreciate the white noise and find
living sounds disruptive.

I am currently so irritated with the neighbors. I certainly hope they never approach me on the
subject, because I am not the 'hold back' guy. I am the guy that purposefully went and
changed into my scrub pants with a hole in the crotch to greet the two female Jehovah
witnesses at my door. I am the asshole that will fill your world with negativity and never
mean a word. And if those fucks ever talk to me about the noise my children make at night, I
will certainly reveal my true dickishness in the extreme.

What a couple of fucking uptight, self-righteous, arrogant, upper-middle class, better than
you, shit don't stink, my kids are 'mature' (cause I'm an old fuck) hypocrites. I hope more
than anything in life, that I will never move to be more like them.

Later-E

Marginalized.....right out the door!

So wow! I feel strange today after hearing the words from my boss that I should give up my office and just work from home all the time.

I know, you are probably thinking 'how cool' and 'how do I get that deal?', and you are probably right. It is sweet. It is a pure indication of the fact that I am trusted as a self-motivator and producer in my position, without the need for any direct management, but.....

I have been here for 3.5 years now. Coming into Seattle everyday last year and 3 days a week this year, to the same office with the same folks. It is (as offices become) a second home of sorts and I certainly have invested a huge amount of time between these walls over my term with the company. And so, I am somewhat melancholy.

If you have read any of my stuff, you know that I have been working on marginalizing myself for quite a while now, with every intention of moving on to a new job (new company) as soon as I wrap up my current infrastructure projects. In doing so, I have moved to a quiet office in a back hall, I only come to the office 3 days/week, and I speak in the background, using 'public' managers to express my needs/views and concerns. It is a powerfully quiet position, and very few people even understand what I do. I like that. I like it so much that I am proud to be the only person in an office without a title on the door. Just my name. I like that part because I have never been all that good at being a title, and there are really no labels within the company that I care to apply.

I like to call myself Special Ops.

The transition to full time remote is simply another step in a path that I have purposefully laid out (with my manager's full awareness and cooperation). He is at the point now where he is actually more concerned with my next career move than anything I am currently doing at work. He knows my projects are near completion and that come sometime between the end of July and the beginning of September, I will have to move on. If I don't, I would not be at all suprised to see him let me go at that point (honestly, for my own good).

Having said all of that, it isn't just that they are hiring new people like crazy and really do need the office space, but he is trying to help me move on by kicking me one step further out of the fold.

And so, easy to remember, Independence Day in more ways than one. What I am really going to have to do now is listen to myself and my manager and take this opportunity to truly work the process of moving on to the next thing.

Later-E

Slipping Back

As water trickles through it grows
No need for big ass floods
As love nurishes me, I know
To rise out of the mudd
In which I wallow
Daily, hollow
Getting nowhere
Wanting somewhere

Now, it's greater than I can forsee
It's everything that I believe and more
Not something to deceive I can't
Even imagine slipping back

As lifeblood flows, the souls alive
No need for sacrifice
It courses through, beyond me thrives
And feeds me with the life
Which I deny
I break I hide
Deep down inside
Now can't deny that

It's greater than I can forsee
It's everything that I believe and more
Not something to deceive I can't
Even imagine slipping back

Slipping back a slippery slope
Slipping back a tightening rope
Around my neck, around my thoughts
Of slipping back and staying lost

As time slides past each moment faster
Than the last I need to cast
A print a stamp a mark to place
Myself within this time and space
But feet unsteady, head is heavy
Not quite ready, nevermind
Each step gets harder I start to wander
The slope is stronger, so I find I'm

Slipping back a slippery slope
Slipping back a tightening rope
Around my neck, around my thoughts
Of slipping back and staying lost

Later-E

Which Tribe is It?

Which Tribe is Slipknot?

I'm an unhappy camper today, to say the least (not my usual postive cheery posting self?). My favorite current band has let me down pretty hard, and I'm hoping that I'm just missing part of something bigger or better or even different, but....

So here's how it goes. Music nowadays is moving away from the record industry and the corporate music dollar. There are waves of band and musicians that I respect, who have turned to a free music concept, with Internet delivery at little to no cost, etc. It's a strange model, but amazingly enough, it can make money for the band (more than the current music industry setup) and save fans a ton. Plus the music becomes more widely distributed and this actually a marketing/selling point. Kind of best of both worlds.

Then, of course, the bands put a CD out with 'hard stuff' (covers, artwork, lyrics, actual discs, etc.) and I, like most fans, go out and buy them. Any pre-release marketing, including giving me all of the tracks to download for free, does not deter me from going to the store and picking up the CD. Again my point, good marketing.

Now let me mention Slipknot. If you don't know this, Slipknot claims to be all about the common man. All against the military-corporate conglomeration that 'rules' the modern Western world. Anti-man, anti-establishment, etc. Nearly every song touches on the subject if it isn't the main point. Great, I love it. I believe it. I feel it.

So Slipknot goes out in their grotesque masks, wearing uniforms of the Slipknot tribe. We are all invited to join the tribe and get a number (they have numbers, shouldn't we?). And again, the marketing them is all about the tribe of the maggots, the power of many common people against the small number of elite opressors and yada yada.

Cool. So why pissed?

Slipknot is in the painfully slow process of releasing a new album. It won't be out until August, but they have been using this year thus far to tease and entice. It started with pictures of the band (we believe) in big ass Mardi Gras masks, at some farm in Iowa. Different photo each week or so, released on their site, to the fans. Good shit, I'm there. Then a pre-release of a first single in June. Only available on their band site for a 24 hour free download. Nice countdown clock to keep all aware, again....good shit. Not as good as Trent and NIN releasing all tracks on the web, but I'll take it.

So yesterday I go to the website to see what is next, and wow. The next single will be released officially next Tuesday, but to hear it one can go to the Hot Topic store and listen. It will be played each hour all day on Sunday, before it is released to fans, etc. This is not cool shit. In fact, it reeks of corporate tribalism and pursuit of the dollar for it's own sake.

I call hypocrytical bullshit on Corey and company. Funny part is, I actually like Hot Topic. It's a cool store. But that is so not the point. I wasn't planning on going there this weekend. What the fuck? If the answer is just that: Hot Topic is a cool store, then what are you telling me? To learn to understand the differences between good and bad corporations and promote good ones? Give me a break. The message has never been about that, and people are not only too ignorant but too overwhelmed to do naught but remain ignorant on the differences between a good and bad corporation. Hell, I have close friends that can't agree on whether or not they think Wal-Mart is a good corporation, and that is just one of a million.

And so I wondering, feeling a piece of my tribal mentality in question again, am I part of the tribe of Slipknot, or part of the Hot Topic tribe? Or maybe the Rockstar Energy Tribe? Or maybe........

Later-E

How was I convinced?

It is so subtle and underhanded, the whole do as I say, not as I do thing.

And it isn't just the deal with parents and kids, but is actually pervasive in our society as a whole.

Some of it is obvious, like advertisers trying to convince you to buy their stuff. That isn't so much what bothers me, mostly because it is honest and blunt and in your face. Don't get me wrong, there is an entire 'other' topic concerning advertising to children where my opinion is not so cheery, but for now, for this, I can live with that.


What I can't live with are all of the subliminal messages that are fed to us throughout life, which are subtle enough to grab us and take hold without us ever being the wiser.


This relates to work and play and life, keep up with the Joneses, have the latest electronic gizmo or toy, make sure you are eating trendy, reading trendy, watching trendy. Have you seen the new movie? You really have to! Have you tried the new restaurant? Have you bought their new album? And all of that is little stuff, obvious stuff. It truly pisses me off, especially when their is a hidden, subtle judgement that gets passed when you haven't done these things. You can see the look of 'poor you' or worse 'what's wrong with you'. Nothing dammit! I just don't have time to keep up with all the trend (not to mention desire).

On a deeper and more life influencing level, we've had this crap flug at us our entire lives. Not small stuff, not easy to see, but deep things like 'you must own a house', 'you must make good money at your job' (which by the way, is not directed at doing anything with the money, it is JUST about the making money), 'you must own two cars', 'you must have kids and a strong family'.
Now don't get me wrong (it's easy cause I'm one hell of a devil's advocate), some of it I agree with and am into. But not MUST. They are choices that should be recognized as valid either way. What game are we losing if we don't have two cars? Who is ranking human worth by looking at a person's paycheck? Fuck that!

I have too much. That may sound strange, but it is true. I only really use about 10% of it. I sit in one chair, with one laptop while working, but I have a desk set up in another room (that I never use). I have 8 million DVDs, just as many CDs and half as many video games, and I only use a handful of each, if that. I have two cars, but I work at home and my wife is a stay at home, homeschooling mom. What does this mean? It means I have two cars sitting in my driveway all the time.

And so, the time has come to whittle. I have done it before, and my wife is finally okay with whittling as well (she has actually joined me in the simplify kick, if not one upped me), but the kids are having issue. They do love 'stuff' (which is actually the most important reason to proceed).

At the end of the day, you can't take it with you, and when you speak to folks on their way out of life, it was never the stuff that did it for them. It was the love, the joy, the beauty, the fun, the untangible, which ironically is so much more real that the stuff of matter that we cling to and judge our worth by.

Later-E

Comfort?

Blessed by the notion of the love that could abound about
Always finding strength to keep it stay
Founded on the promise of the brotherhood we found, it out
And turning our commitment to the day

We try to never suffer
We suffer not to try
And all the broken hearted
In lines they pay to cry
For nothing in particular
Ourselves our lives and fates
And when the end seems endless
They rise and turn and hate

WE COULD NEVER AFFORD THIS!!!!

Comforted by gags and props and scents to calm the soul
Focused and ignoring any pain
Productive by the definition someone has placed on us
We shuffle and we bustle through the day

We want for another
We're endlessly craving
The needs unfullfilled
With desires depraving
Corroding the innocence
If such a thing's real
And crowding the mind
So we can't stop to feel

WE COULD NEVER AFFORD THIS!!!

Later-E

Alone for Two

I want so much to feel, to touch
But not for pain and suffering
I won't reach out again my love
My hand still feels the biting slap

The biting words, the accusations
Understood but misunderstood
A viscious cycle, justified
Repression such an ugly side of love

And hate, pent up emotions
Breaking through from vulgar depths
And facing fear from paths untrodden
Impossible to overcome, so death

Becomes its own volition
Pulling back, pretending sane
With lusty dreams of retribution
Want for power fills his brain

Stuck within, I'll hold it near
But cannot share right now for fear
Of my own pain, you've made it clear
Your call, which way we go from here

But still, sitting, hoping, dreaming, loving
Bitter though the world's becoming
Wishing for a word to say that everything will be
Again allright my love, now rise again and live
But all that I have in me now I give
To noone in the hopes that you again might want my heart
My soul, my all I save for you
Don't let it lie and fall apart

Later-E

Corplebos

Oh my lord, could we talk more yet say less?

I know, jaded question...way to open for leaving alone. And, I could take this so many
directions. But let's start with verbal 'window dressing'. I am absolutely fed-up with
little catch phrases, designed to distract, discourage, encourage, motivate, appease or
anything else you can come up with, that have NO ACTION behind them.

Why here? Why now? Of course, from me, it is corporate bullshit. I have the pleasure of
sitting in the office right next to the VP/CEO/Bigwig of the entire division of this huge ass
company I work for. Woohoo!

Now, let me set it a little for you. I really have the only occupied office in my 'wing' of
the building. Right across the hall is the shipping/receving group, whose office door is WAAY
down the hall. Beyond the bug cheif's office is the lunchroom, again with a door WAAY down
the hall. So really, unless he is in the home office and next to me, I am the only office in
the hallway. Now Big Chief, he leaves his office door open and talks on the speaker phone
(fairly loudly I might add), so I get to hear it all. Only time this isn't true is when a
local manager comes by to visit and shuts the door behind them walking in. Bummer?

So, all day long this month, I have had the joy of listening to him talk on the phone ALL DAY
LONG. Believe me, I know bullshit and this isn't it. The man talks ALL DAY LONG. Goes from
one conference call with managers to a conversation with his assistant, to a performance
review, then a sales meeting, then a customer call (with an irate customer). Oh, wait, let's
not forget to throw in a personal call to an ISP that is charging his wife too much money for
the family Internet. Now here's the funny (and I use that term loosely) part.....All of the
conversations sound the same. Not similar, not 'kind of' like each other. Exactly the same.

'So, I think we need to leverage that aspect a bit more' 'I think we may have a disconnect on
that part of it, even though the overall concept looks mutually agreeable' 'Could be that we
may not be able to realize that right now, but we could look into means to mitigate any
adverse effects'

What the fuck is that? I mean, really? What the fuck is that?

So my head is spinning as I leave the office, thinking 'wow, that dude gets paid an ungodly
amount of money to say the same things over and over all day long'. I will admit, the
audience is different, so there are different topics at hand, but his words are EXACTLY the
same. Generic, placebic, hell, they are my phrase for the day:

Corplebos!

Later-E

Life Story

Said the ancient to the little boy
I've got a tale to tell you of
The world and what I know, the things I've learned

From beginnings small and timid
I have found a better way but
Understand that all the time I have is fleeting

I have walked life empty handed
And again with a full purse
And i cannot you better each the same
Not about the mortal conquests
But the spiritual gain that you can
Come by as you figure out your name

All I've known and all I ever will
A moment past, tomorrow still
And I would that it could fill
All of my world eternally
Nevermind the hollow swill
That looms about and leaves a chill
An effervescent life fullfilled
And now I try to pass.....

The little boy's distracted
He's heard too much today
Another story wasting time
When he should go and play
The purpose with the reason
The envy with the loss
The ancient turns to little boy
He tells him not to hate, destroy
The little boy he cannot hear
His ears are full, his eyes they fear
The world is full of wrongs to right
I'm worthy if I hunt and fight!

Said the ancient to the little boy
I've got a tale to tell you of
The world they want you knowing, things you'll learn
From all that is immortal
There can be a better way and
Understand that you can live a life unending......

So it rolls, moves and flows.

Later-E

Not One for You

I am the shit
You ain't nothing yet
Seen falling flat
On your own bullshit

I never felt
One moment without
Hurting past
Now I am fading fast

Not that I wanted all that much from you
Little bit of nasty and some conversation that'll do
All my insights leave you shallow and depraved
Not one for me and I'm not one for you

Turning a bit
Hostile I keep it
Under my skin
Can't let you know when

Losing my faith
Turning to disgrace
Fallen to stay
Another runaway!

Not that I needed all that much from you
A little rub a little nub... a word or two, well that might do but
Not even silence breaks the silence can't be saved
Not one for me and I'm not one for you

Another mess
Under extreme duress
I can be found
Where addicts all abound

Little is heard
Not even chosen words
Coming from you
And all i wanted was.....

Later-E

Hold the Line

Hold the line, what line, I'm fine this time
No crime in mind sublime it's kind
Don't share don't care not scared what's scared
Won't stare out there not fair don't care

Hypocritical justified
Hypercynical feeling fine
Always clinical never kind
Hypothetical hold the line
Strong and powrerlful makes it fine
Theoretical blind the eye
Mission critical, let them die
Hypothetical hold the line

Hold the line, your line I'm blind, you're mine
Its time just try my life your crime
You glare and wear cloak of depair
Won't stare out there not fair don't care!

Justifiable homicide
Bubble gum versions of cyanide
Widespread societal suicide
Hypothetical hold the line
Knowing but turning in nevermind
Where is the judge at the end of time
Economically modified
Hypothetical hold the line

Later-E

Muse

So long I sat and gazed upon the visage
Of nobody for certain, none to mention
And from her gained the strength to hope again
To turn and face with stubborn apprehension

All that I do not know and never will
Yet moving towards it bravely I will still
Hold beauty, truth and love so near my heart
And never fear the ones that always try to break apart

I can't remember needing when I started
So brazen and so bold I conquered all
But as the road got longer and my courage lost its way
I needed something more to break my fall

We all create the gods and goddesses we feel we need
And I found within another such a pillar, such a feed
To hold onto when feeling like the sand upon the shore
I lose my way again and start to drift a little more

Refuge in the quiet and the peaceful
Haunted in the silent numbing age
Of morning and the spendor yet to open
My hope it springs within and writes a story on the page
That I can cling to

I can't remember needing when I started
So brazen and so bold I conquered all
But as the road got longer and my courage lost its way
I needed something more to break my fall

Later-E

Sacrifice

Human sacrifice
Bread and mead and rice
Never had chance
Not really meant to last

Not a sacrifice
Lest we're suffering
Can't be really felt
By those without needs

Now they speak of all the things
That are wrong and what is needed
To bring them back to rest
To make it whole

But I doubt that all the kings
Really care about the bleeding
Just another sacrifice
To feed aristocratic souls

Still we carry on
TV drones along
Letting people know
Where it's needed most

So we go repent
With a dollar spent
Feeling no remorse
It could all be worse

If you have do you understand have not?
More than just intellectual sense
A bleeding heart doesn't mean that you thought
It would ever turn out just like this in the end

And you cry and you mourn for your brethren
And you weep like a baby and pray
Does it help you to wail? Even help you to fail?
Make you feel more a part of the day?

Not a clue what to give
What it means to just live
Day to day what are needs
Not a clue

And the TV just screams
Horrors, all broken dreams
Come to pass in my own
Living room

Sacrifice what he asks?
Needing to be told due to to true ignorance
Tell me I will take the task
Needing to be told when he has soiled his underpants

Later-E

At Least I'm Not You!

Sycophant, no self-respect
Wannabe tyrant, still perplexed
By what it means, don't have a clue
All I can say, at least I'm not you!

Toady, yes-man, what is yours?
Nothing here but leftovers
And scraps they throw to keep you fed
Alive, I think not, must be dead

Cowardly inside polished shell
Are you happy here in hell?
Or do you even see the deal
What is bullshit what is real and

How does it look from down there on your knees?
Not so gentle reminder that you're the disease
Servile pawn, blind and faithful it's true
One thing to say, well at least I'm not you!

Over and under and over again
You're telling me you are my partner and friend
All that is certain with never an end is.....

At least I'm not you!
At least I'm not you!

Later-E

Something To Live For

Wow,

First of all, I am shocked that it has been a whole week since I have been up here. I was fairly high (pain killers) the entire week, and it passed like a dream, so maybe I can place blame there (completely different topic for another day on how much I hate passing blame to something external). Anyway, it happened, the week passed. Now my tooth is gone and I feel 100% better (again, not really my topic today).

Today I want to mention something I saw last night that I found adorable and inspiring. I saw someone truly taken by emotion over something they truly live for (bad english, what the hell).

For anyone that knows me, you know I love basketball. Furthermore, you know I love K.G. Always have, even thought it was hard to root for the Timberwolves at times (hell, I live in Seattle and also pulled for the Sonics, so how hard could it be to love the T-wolves?).

Last night was the last game of this year's NBA finals. Boston won! K.G. won! First ring for the boy and well deserved. His entire career has been at the top of the individual rankings. Highest paid player in the league, for good reason. If you look at stats, every year he is top of efficiency. Within the top 10 or so in point, rebounds, steals and assists. Personal opinion, the overall best player in the game. But he has always played for his coach, his team, the game, anything but himself. Most common 'bad' feedback on K.G. has always been that he needs to be a more selfish player and shoot more. But no, he plays the whole team and does a beautiful job of it.

So last night they won. As usual, the game was followed by 30 minutes of post-game interviews and such. They tried 3 times to talk to K.G. but he was too busy howling, crying, hugging people and yellling 'I love you mom!' 30 minutes and you couldn't even get a complete sentence out of him.

It has been a while since I have had the opportunity to see such outward joy, what with a 7 foot tall grown man acting like a kid in a candy shop. And it was fantastic. It made me feel great. I have mentioned my recent inability to be enthuised about stuff. On one level I was jealous, but the underlying feeling was positive. K.G. reminded me of how simple joy could be, and how you really could live for and enjoy something on that deep of a level.

Next step, find my joy.

Later-E

Justifying the Gym

So I am driving to work this morning, as I do a couple of times a week, and I notice (as if for the first time) all of the gyms, packed into little stripmalls along my route.
Wow, there are a lot of them. Almost as many as Starbucks shops.
And I think to myself......wow, we must be really fit as a society. There are enough gyms that we can all have memberships, and if we are all working out....well there you go, one incredibly fit and healthy population. Right?

And yet everyday I read something about how overweight we are, how we are a society of lazy channel surfers, dying from high blood pressure and lack of exercise.

So it all comes together in my head. It's a feel-good. It's not real. We know we are screwing ourselves health-wise. We know we should be taking the time to really live and get exercise as part of that living (not a supplement). But we don't do the real, to-the-root, right thing. Instead we accept another life failure and try to 'make up' for it by spending 20 minutes at the gym. And that is only some of us. Many of us just by a membership and then grumble about not having the time to spend at the gym. Either way, we feel healthier?

And if you look at the purpose of fitness, it is even stranger. Why are we concerned with being fit? To live longer healthier lives? Obviously, there are better ways than the gym, as I just alluded to. To look better for others? I will be honest and tell you that I think a 'chiseled' gym body is unnatural and funny looking. To be in good shape if you ever need to use your fitness? Maybe, but if I think about it, I am more apt to need the ability to walk several miles from my broken down car than to need the ability to bench press 300 pounds from a table. And guess what? A 20 minute workout at the gym does not prep you for a multi-hour walk to the gas station.

So, we build gyms, and join gyms and sometimes even go to gyms, in an effort to replace a little bit more 'real life', and in doing so, we lose.

We lose the experiences of the real world and what it offers. We lose the variety of challenges the world offers and replace them with known circular motions (exercise machines). We lose the mental growth and stimulation that occurs in the real world and replace it with monotony and repetition.

Yeah, I never really thought about it before today, but I find the gym concept for the layman quite silly. For serious sports folks and training, sure. But to stay in shape and replace 'normal' activity, I wonder how we ever got suckered into that one.

Later-E

It really is better to burn out!

Do you think Michael Jordan should have come back to play with Washington after retiring?

Do you think 1980's (and earlier) hair band, lying dormant for 15 plus years, should be on a comeback tour (playing the same old songs even)?

I used to have mixed feelings, thinking sometimes it's okay, sometimes not. Now that I am the aging rock-star; now that I am Michael Jordan, it think it always sucks.

I sat through a meeting today with folks for whom I used to be a star. They will still tell you they love me and all I did, but.......
I also listened to 'generic' statements of how bad it used to be and how I never stood up for them and never moved them to the next level (I was the manager), and I can't help but hurt.

I listen to Rudyard Kipling:
If you can stand to hear the words you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken
And stoop and fix them up with worn out tools
........you will be a man my son

I believe it. I understand it. Thankfully I have had a good 6 months of internal gut wrenching and separation anxiety, that has passed, and I feel good about not being all that anymore.
Neverthelessl.......I should have left by now

Regardless of how self assured I may be, or how many folks still allude to some past greatness, I have come to realize that memories are short lived. People can't stay still and rest on their laurels. If you want to continue with greatness, you have to continue to engage. If you want to leave a position of greatness, you have to leave a great distance.

Don't linger, don't wait, there is no rehabilitation for you here. Burn out, leave your mark and move on to do it all again!

Later-E

Inside Out

I see you so clearly but my own reflection
Is muddied and bloodied and lacking in vision
The moment you touch me, I'm shocked by the presence
Outside of my own introverted existence

Inside out maybe would help me see things from the other side
Never doubted all I had just never knew which way to ride

Oppressed my own hypocrisy
Subject to mediocrity
Why do I always let this sin
Take over me and worse yet win?

If I were to tell you something you should do
Please take my advice, it'll be good to you
It's just not for me because me is a question
I've yet to find answer, searched too long to mention

Inside out maybe would help me make a clearer choice
Tell myself repeatedly, yet inside there's no real voice

Disguised as any normal man
I struggle through as best I can
I tell myself, but we all know
There's so much more that could be shown

Do as i say not as I do
Hypocritical fucker that I
Am to give you advice while I glide
Through life on the side
Never taking the ride
Myself as I hide
Beneath self-righteous lies
But the way that I speak of
It is truly the right one
Just cannot take part
Take these words to my own heart

So, I leech my way through and I pray for salvation

Live!

The first time I died it was painful
The dirt filled my lungs and my joints slowly stiffened
The next time not nearly so memorable
Although still I recall that the time wasn't pleasant
At this point it's all second nature
I can numb myself right and just glide through it all
At this point I'm no more complainer
I can die anytime and get back on ball like it's nothing

First kill the senses
One at a time
Start with the smell
It's the easiest kind
Kill off the taste next
Just after the nose
Not easy to taste
When you can't smell a rose
Now go for your touch
A bit harder but still
If your life is in trouble
Won't take that much will
To kill off the sounds
Now we're getting somewhere
Almost totally numb
Just a bit more to pare down
The eyes are the hardest
To look but not see
Having come all this far though
Just listen to me
You can stop all the input
And live in a shell
Just remember it's not real
Man made living hell!!!!!

STOP! That's no way to live and surely no way to die
STOP! All you really have to do is realize
YOU! You are the one the everything
YOU! You make your own reality, so make it great!

Later-E

ROT

They gave you a room and a throne and a title
Made you the god of some crappy small something
Now you act just like your shit smells like roses
But in on the secret, you're no fucking king

So judge me not lest you get what I've got
Which is angry and noisy and somewhat insane
Let the stench of your rot, find another to haunt
And I'll keep all my baggage myself just the same

They gave you a pulpit to spew out those words
If words you can call that rhetorical garbage
So you sugar coat threats and feed lunch to the masses
If sight was but clear they would see it's just sewage
I just can't believe all the mess that you leave
In your wake leaving others to scoop up the waste
As if nobody sees from the passing of greed
Just left with a slight bittersweet aftertaste

They gave you the right to decide who should die
The right to let live is not nearly so cool
Now you hover above and make judgements so callous
Can't understand why the can't see the fool that you are......

So judge me not lest you get what I've got
Which is angry and noisy and somewhat insane
Let the stench of your rot, find another to haunt
And I'll keep all my baggage intact just the same

My baggage, your rot

Later-E

Can't go Back

Don't think to turn back, can't do it, can't turn time around
Don't think my last track is all that I've found I need to
Take a fork, up ahead in the road
I need to make a new way, ditch the cold
Don't sit and dwell upon all you've done, won't help this
Don't wallow, dry your tears, streaked in mud upon this
Pretty face, hidden under the scars
We can look a little differently, with our hearts
If we want, the world to be a brighter place
We must change our ways and shake this waste
And if all I've done and all I've not meant to do
Were to disappear, would I still be with you
Guess I can't regret any shit, good or bad along the way
It's brought me to this place and time, made me what I am today

and that's okay..........

Now only focused on my next step, let's take it
Now only care about what affects the real shit
Gonna sweep, all the dust behind
Gonna make a clean start, in my mind
Don't really need to know what comes next
Just realizing that the best is truly yet to come

Fuck you and your lame shit!

So I sit here, bitching with the better half about the time she spends online trying to arrange things to do with the kids and such.
Why? Because it takes 4+ hours of everyday, and the kids get 4 hours less.
In addition, the 4 hrs makes a 'crunch' out of the remaining time to get everything done for a family for the day.
So, the kids (whom my wife is supposed to be homeschooling) get 4+ hours less per day than they should.

She does this because she is the 'owner'/'manager' of a home school co-op.
It gets deeper, and becomes this:
If you do, you are increasingly expected to do more.
If you don't, and never have, people consider you a 'nice lameass' and involve you on into the future, EVEN THOUGH you never did a damn thing!

Wow, this pisses me off. My wife and I are both 'do-ers' and have never really been keen on recognition for efforts made.
But now....we bith at each other about the time we spend working towards endeavors that are under (if at all) appreciated.

So, Rudyard Kipling said:
'If you can watch the things you gave your life to, broken
And stoop to build them up, with worn out tools'
(skip)
'you'll be a man my son'

and this is really it.
For those of you who really do suck and don't do anything,
For those of you who say 'will you take care of me?' without giving of your soul.......

Fuck you and your lame shit!

Later-E

Can you Buy?

Can you really buy your way into heaven?
Apparently so........
If your steeple reaches higher, do you have head start?

Can you really buy another's soul outright?
Apparently so........
If you pay for every bruise and cut, you're welcome to the heart.

Is it really just about how much you make and how you spend?
Is the mark that we leave on the world that petty?
Can you truly be a good man and assume you've done it right?
When after all is said and done, you're not remembered

I believe that you can
That it comes from inside
That a man is a man when he deals with the pride
That comes from the right way
And albeit fleeting
If all were to think this and be this and try this
The world would be sweeter and it'd be a fine day

Can you really spend more, buy a better life?
Apparently so........
If your TV and your car are new and pricey you are cooler.

Will it make you happier to buy a pretty young wife?
Apparently so........
If you keep it up, you may actually fool them.

Into thinking it's about how much you make and how you spend
As you boast about your mark and how its bigger
And pretend to be a good man, but who would know with all the glitter
When after all is said and done, I hope it leaves you feeling better

And so the question at hand
The separation in question
Is the thought that one can be worthy without
Can be worthy without and without, can be worthy

Later-E

The Other Side

And now the morning comes you find
A bind, a tie to me
Knowing that my ship can sink
In less than a heartbeat

And yet you hold on tight
My love and all your might
Could see us through this shit and carry
Out the other side

My patience always lacking so
I start, I stop, I move
My ignorance is weak, it cannot
Keep the roadway smooth

I'm never really satisfied, I cry, I hide, I tell you lies
Someday within myself may find, a day, a way, to kill my pain
You are my shining moment, so I neglect and hurt you more
And love you while I hate you for not walking out the door

And we hold on tight
Your love and my might
Will find us through this shit and carry
Out the other side

I long for calm and easy days I say
That's really all just bullshit, as I celebrate my pain
The real deal and what I truly want
Is me and you to make it all the way

Regardless of what's on the other side

Later-E

The Phlegm Song (perhaps not finished)

Like many folks, my house is greeted each morning by a cacophony of nasty sounds, brought about by the families allergy afflictions.
I would guess the first 45 minutes or so of the day manifests as a series of back and forth hackings between players, much like a burping contest in vulgarity, but far less organized and a bit more violent.
So, in honor of all of that, I wrote a little ditty dedicated to the mucous member of the house.

EARLY IN THE MORNING
THE SILENCE PUSHES BACK
CAUSE EVERYONE IN MY HOUSE
AWAKENS WITH A HACK
(chorus)
OF SNOT AND PHLEGM
OH NO NOT AGAIN
OH PLEASE DON'T SNEEZE
DON'T MAKE IT SPRAY

IT COMES FROM EVERY CORNER
IT COMES FROM EVERY ROOM
THE CAT IS SNEEZING WITH US
SEEMS NO ONE IS IMMUNE

(chorus)

FROM MOUTH AND NOSE AND EYES AND EARS
FROM EVERYWHERE IT DRAINS
I CAN'T BELIEVE THERE'S SO MUCH SNOT
HAS SOMEONE LOST HIS BRAINS

(chorus)

Maybe more on this to come.....
Later....E

Memorial Day Reflection

So if you read my wife's blog and mine, you will see the theme.
Too long running along without paying much attention has led us to a place that is unfamiliar, unforgiving and uncomfortable at best.
But, now, we know it.
Today, she mentions reclaiming our lives. I am stuck on a reborn/reclaim my soul theme (have been for some time), and we are both down to the simplify and focus on real stuff idea.
It's so damn strange how quickly shit like this happens. It's really just a part of the big 'it all goes by so quickly' theme, but even though we all mention it, we rarely care to do anything about it.

I know, you are thinking do what about it? I appreciate that, since it seems to me that it was only yesterday I was grumbling about how far off my next holiday was (memorial day) and now here it is. I was just a brand new parent (oops, 7 years ago). I just moved up here to Seattle (oops, 10 years ago). So believe me, I get it.
But it's not about altering time itself, it's about using it to make yourself fullfilled and happy and living life to the dream.

I am as bad as anyone at saying 'I don't or I didn't have time to get to that'. That, by the way, is an absolute bullshit statement. It is a conflict avoidance statement, because the reality is 'I didn't choose to make the time for that'. That is ALWAYS the real deal.

Think about the different people you know and how many times you may have asked 'How do they have time for that?'. Whatever it is. Truth is, they have no more time than you, they just choose to spend it differently. Priorities and what is important take precedence.

The wrap-up here goes like this:
We tend to go through lots of fast motions without really going anywhere. We do this because we let other set our priorities and 'what is important' and neglect ourselves and our own needs in the process. Then one day (like today) we wake up and say 'what the hell am I doing'. I need to slow down and do for me and screw being a rat on a treadmill for someone or something else (that I don't really care about anyway).

David Byrne of the Talking Heads expressed the 'my god, what have I done' and 'how did i get here' beautifully, and this is the theme for Memorial day and me. Awakening to surroundings that are of my own making, yet completely foreign, only to realize I need to try again.

And here we go......
Later-E

So much to do, so little time for......work

So, my truly upbeat deal for today is that May 20th was a day of days!!!!!
A great day, a splendid day, a majestic day.

May 20 marks the day my hearing returned, and I have to say I can hear more now than I have since I was a little boy (or so it seems). I am amazed at how noisy the world really is.

Along with the ears clearing, so did my head. I am no longer tired, bored or 'killing time' in a daze. I feel renewed, fresh and I realize that there is so much to do, and so much I really want to do. During this entire period of 'down', I started little personal projects in the hopes of some contstructive therapy, but they didn't get far. Really just built up a huge list of unfinished 'stuff', some of which I can leave but most of which I REALLY do want to do.
And so, I realize that I have very little time for work.

Sure, we need to put in our hours to get our pay. Sure, I have always taken great pride and gone the extra mile (mentally and physically) for my job. But not now.
Now, the extra mile is mine to spend playing games with my kids. It is mine to sing and dance with my wife. It is mine to read, write, think, dream, share, play and do. It is mine.

Selfishly, I leave my office and thoughts of work here in my desk drawer, refusing to burden my backpack with all that baggage.

I am moving on to a new job sometime this Summer, and maybe then I will revert to what is a natural tendency to overdo it. But for now, with the flowers blooming and the sun beating down, the time is my time and I am holding onto it like a gift.

I will share my time, if you need some, but don't ask me about work. Work has had it's allotment for now.

Later-E

So I mentioned being a 9

In one of my former posts, which is something I just recently read about, but something I've been thinking about for about 6 months.

It is very strange in a way......I picked up on the number 9 and the nanogram through the whole Slipknot 'behind the nine' and 'outside the nine' theme, and of course, their nanogram symbol.

I am so into the symbol that I needed one of my own, and my very talented wife created a family crest with a nanogram and our runic initials around it (on the main jadeherder.com site). So, why would I care about 9?

I actually came about it through discussion on the Slipknot symbol and whether or not it was Satanic. By the way, it's not. It is truly so far from Satanic in meaning that the reference is laughable.

The nanogram, 9 pointed star, represents unity and completeness in nearly every religion out there, and even more in numerologic study. It is the trinity of trinities, it is potential for achievement and greatness. It represents body, mind and spirit and a unification of all three. If you want to know more, there are lots of online references. I could really go on and on, from chakra-eastern references, to judeo-christian references, to pagan references (celtic, asatru and more....).

One more bit of background to the story.....One of the common portrayals of the figure is as an enneagram. This is a unique nine-pointed star in that it has 'legs' on the bottom, not completing a full circuit connection. It is used in personality profiling and is supposed to be representative of the 9 'types' associated with personality. So my mom, knowing all of this interest, brings me a book last week on the enneagram in work and relationships.

I read and look at the characteristics for each type and there it is, a 9. Now, we are all many numbers depending upon situation and mood and such, but the idea is to find your dominant type. 9 is a mediator. 9 is good, right? Well, sure, but only if I act. 9 has a tendency to be a sloth, for lack of a more appropriate word. If I get fired up about something, I can act upon it with great energy and success, but it has to be a cause outside of myself. I am horrible at even understanding/acknowledging my own needs, which leads to personal indecision and what appears to be radically impulsive behavior. I say appears to be because if I act for self, it is the result of an extended period of contemplation (and usually decline).

There is so much more on this that was appropriate for me, but I will stop with this for now, since I am not wanting to write a book today.
The main bit is, that although it is somewhat disheartening to have your own shortcomings laid out like that, especially if they ring true to you, it is also gratifying to know all of this with how I currently feel.
I am on the verge of something new. One of those radical changes (which maybe won't seem so radical since I have been speaking about it), and I am excited.
Corey painted a lovely picture of this 'rock bottom', with:
"I'll keep slipping farther, but once I hold on, I won't let go til it bleeds"

So I'm grabbing and I'm jazzed about it.
Later-E

I really miss hearing stuff

So this one is kind of gross, but such is life.....a little gross at times.

My ears get clogged every few years. I've been told there is really nothing to do about it, that the shape of my ear canal has just screwed me. Nifty huh?
And when I say clogged, wow, you have no idea. Tongue stuck in a coke bottle, nothing. More of a sink that has had an entire bottle plus of draino poured in it, and been plunged for 6 hours with a variety of plungers, and still clogged.

So I knew it was time to clean them. I did the deal and flushed them out and the next day (wednesday, yesterday) I couldn't hear. Further examination showed that I had moved the clogs from the very very inside of the ear into the smaller portion of the ear canal (woohoo, they were moving out!) but both sides were now incredibly stuck and my hearing was completely gone. I will only casually mention that there are some extreme waves of pain in each ear as well. When I had originally gone to the doctor about this (I was 15/16 the first time) my mother and I had spent a lovely 6-8 hours in the clinic while they flushed with peroxide and a water syringe, tried to get the crap with tweezers and even used a little vaccum, only to end up in the same situation. I had to repeat the entire process for several days until I was relieved and could hear again.

I'm glad I remember that one, because since then the 2 or 3 times this has happened, I have simply done it myself. It did take the better part of a day each time and really hurts my ears, but success and move on. This time, it is really really really bad. I am on day 2 of no hearing and that is really the point of the story.

No hearing sucks. Well, I can hear a big wave of white noise, but nothing else. If you have never experienced not being able to hear, while I don't recommend it, it does bring some true appreciation to the sense. I feel like I am underwater AND in a cave WITH earplugs in. I can feel sound okay, but really have to be looking to understand anything. And for someone with normal hearing most of the time, it is accompanied by constant 'huh?' and 'what did you say's, with concern that I am either speaking too loud or too quiet myself.

Grrrrr. So all of this spewed out in just about 2 minutes, but I had to say something. I am a little freaked out and since I can't hear and don't want to talk, this was the deal.

I hope I can hear later today or tomorrow, because I really miss hearing stuff.

Later-E

So apparently I stand for vanilla!

Got a lovely email today from corporate. It told me that I couldn't be political at work. Sounds benign, yes? We don't want a bunch of campaigning for 'stuff' in the workplace.

Funny part is, if I wasn't at this juncture in life/mind, as it comes to my job, it probably wouldn't have bothered me much. At this point, I even find that comment concerning, because the message is subtle, casual, and erodes at individuality in the most sneaky fashion.

What it really said, was 'take it down another notch towards vanilla, towards same, towards homogeneity'. The ultimate vision of this train of thought is inevitably filled with automatons, playing their roles and eventually walking callously and carelessly towards their demise (usually a distubing demise). We tell this story all the time, in a variety of ways. Usually there is a hero or small band of heroes that rebel against this epitomy of the 'the man' and break free (or not, if it is meant to be dark) of tyranny.

While we love this movie, and want so badly to be that hero, we live our day to day lives in increasing anonimity, supressing our individuality for a 'nicer' world, for a kinder and softer place to work. I understand it, I can see both sides (as usual, I am an enneagram 9 as I will discuss later), but I want to share my awareness in hopes that all can be aware of the little ways this paradigm sneaks into our world.

The larger the entity, and the more human components specifically, the more there is a need for this vanilla presentation. Each cog in the machine can break more than itself through poor behavior. Each cog can wreck a business relationship(s), cause a staff mutiny, create unrest and inefficiency. So each cog has to be fine tuned to fit. With people, it is not only to fit, but to make them content with their fit. Thus enters the world of the spindoctors and real doctors. With sweet nothings and calming medications, they coax us into acceptance one piece at a time. I understand this. I want no part of it.

We all should have a point where we 'draw a line' in the bartering of our souls for something 'greater'. If you take the true vanilla path, I don't dog you, I just hope you are getting something good out of it personally. If not, you've been duped.

So back to my point and to wrap it up on this one, they told me I couldn't stand for anything political in any work association/environment. Not at the office, or (as previously stated to me) not when anyone who knows me may associate my employer and I. So, only in the privacy of my own home, basically. Keep in mind, all social, health, justice, economic, environmental, and even pop culture topics (unless vanilla) are political. Mmmmm, so who am I and what do I stand for? Please don't ask me. Once I knew, but since I cannot practice, I have forgotten entirely and now I stand for my vanilla company only.

Later-E

Corporate Placebos

So I have a theme these days, as you can see.
Especially on the 3 days a week I come into my office in downtown Seattle.
The drive gives me lots of time to contemplate things, which often end up revolving around the futility and waste of the moments I spend on this work related crap.

But today, the specific theme is about corporate placebos. We are (as I type this) having a monthly all hands company meeting downstairs. Needless to say, I am not in attendance. If asked, I will state that I have lots of work to do and I can always read the power point. Truth is I glanced at the power point already. I wasn't shocked in the least by what I saw, but it did increase my resolve to not be in attendance. It was a 20 slide sales pitch from management to the staff. It always is. And it always says the same stuff. And it always means absolutely nothing, although the graphs and such are pretty.

And yet.........it appeases the masses and they go back to their cells feeling better for having had their insubstantial position within a huge and uncaring corporate beast validated. They will sleep better tonight and be more productive tomorrow knowing that the bottom line margins are on the rise (pretty graphs of upward market trends make for positive feelings). WHAT THE HELL?

Where did we learn this behavior of passive acceptance and even positive self-sacrifice to the corporate gods? When did we become convinced that the company was more important than the family and friend? By the way, this last bit is neatly wrapped up in the idea that you can't help your family and friends if you aren't successful at work, thus the more important commitment to the job. and again, WHAT THE HELL?

So I sit up here and type, knowing that downstairs there are faces smiling with blissful ignorance and listening to 3 hours of corporate placebos designed to make them better slaves. Wow.

Later-E

Happy Mother's Day!

To all Mothers, of all shapes and sizes and ages and colors and species and such!!!!
Let me re-phrase, to all Good Mothers out there.

It is a day to celebrate good mothers, those that nurture us and enable us to grow, first close at hand, under tight supervision, and eventually on our own, taught all the right things along the way and confident in our independence.
That is such a sacrifice, what I so shortly said above. To love and teach and care and nurture, to towards the ultimate goal of letting go, and watching your dedication fly away on its own.

And a good mother does this.

Good Mothers can be spiritual, they can be tangible and they can be yours alone or not yours at all. I, for one, am fortunate to know of several real, tangible good mothers, and I celebrate them today.

My mother is a good mother. I could write novels and poems and epics dedicated to my mother and the portrayal would so fall short of actually knowing her (and even better, knowing her as a mother).

My wife is a good mother. Again, not really word-worthy the respect she deserves and the admiration I feel.

I know other good mothers, directly and in my family, and for that I am fortunate. These mothers do their thing without really being told all of this (once again, beyond words and hard to express), to fullfill a purpose and role greater than themselves and worthy of awe.

I hope you know a good mother. Your mother, your wife, your girlfriend, your daughter, your friend, your neighbor, your grandma, your teacher, your best friend's mom, etc. If you do, think of them today. Send them some energy to pay back for all they have given the world. It is the least we can do and something we should do more often.

To all good mothers and especially to 'my' good mothers, all of my love and respect!

Later-E

Saturday Poetry

So, I'll cheese out for today's post and share something that came to me this week.
It is (as nearly always) and unfinished piece, and maybe someday......

SLIPPING BACK
As water trickles through it grows
No need for big ass floods
As love nurishes me, I know
To rise out of the mudd

In which I wallow
Daily, hollow
Getting nowhere
Wanting somewhere

Now, it's greater than I can forsee
It's everything that I believe and more
Not something to deceive I can't
Even imagine slipping back

As lifeblood flows, the souls alive
No need for sacrifice
It courses through, beyond me thrives
And feeds me with the life

Which I deny
I break I hide
Deep down inside
Now can't deny that

It's greater than I can forsee
It's everything that I believe and more
Not something to deceive I can't
Even imagine slipping back

Slipping back a slippery slope
Slipping back a tightening rope
Around my neck, around my thoughts
Of slipping back and staying lost

Later-E

Minimal life and the polysyllabic

And we talk and plan and plan and talk and talk and plan and do a tiny bit (just enough to make the overall effort even more frustrating).
Then we talk and plan and plan and talk some more.

And so, each day, I think a little more before I speak. Not just to reduce the noise (and by this I refer to negativity, part of the anti-complaining theme) but to maximize the impact and validity of what I do say.

Commitments with no follow through. Idle threats without consequence. Dreams and visions without motivations. It is all 'wind', all noise, all a waste of precious air and airtime.

Better that I hear the sound of nothing, doing nothing and being proud of nothing, than to hear the false sounds of thoughts, promises and plans left unheeded, fading by the wayside in an ever growing pile.

For everyone, but especially to kick myself in the ass-E

Please sir, can I have More???

Actually, it would be sweet if folks asked that nicely, or if they really needed more like little Olly did. Sad truth is that you give them a little more and it is never enough. And....no polite requests, no grateful receipts. Just a higher bar and a greater demand and a perceived need that becomes a gripe and bitch and whine if not fullfilled.

Wow, so I have kids. I try really really hard to get them to understand the finer points here. One the one side, having 'stuff' is fun. Why not have some stuff if you can? But I also don't want them to invest in stuff that really isn't important.

I have been in fairly good shape, materially, since my kids have become aware, and so I know I provide more 'stuff' than is probably good for them. I try to tell stories of having nothing, but you know, they are stories. But they are good kids, I know they understand enough to try and they have the right idea in mind, so I have hope locally. Globally, I'm not sure.

I know that there is a huge part of me that strives for more and more along these same lines, based on pressures I try to understand, to quelch, but to no avail. I am not totally failing, and I do have some self-control, and a good attitude about the fleeting nature of the material, but still.....if and when I can, I grab that 'thing' I only use once, that gives me some momentary small degree of gratification (maybe just from the purchase itself), and I participate in the waste and want more of it all.

What's the point here? Maybe focus and nothing more. I am enough of a hedonist to believe in self-obliging, but I remain concerned with extremes. This is especially true when those extremes have detrimental effects on the world outside of oneself. So, focus a bit more. Pause as you reach for the checkout item. Don't slow down as you swing past the fast food place on the way home to a full fridge. If you have it all, try to curtail the urge to want it more.
And when you do indulge, be grateful, be polite, be respectful. Try not to take with a selfishness or righteousness. Love your indulgence for what it is and thank the world for the opportunity to have it.

Later-E

Anger and discontent part 2

So today (Wednesday) is the first day I have come to the office this week.
I worked at home, remotely, for the past two days.
I will again tomorrow, and then I will actually be in the office again on Friday.

Sounds nice? Does to me. Except for the part where I come into the office. I preface this whole thing with a glimpse of my schedule so that we can get right to the 'you have a lot of gaul to complain about this' part, and the 'good lord, you are spoiled' part.
Fine, from some view others have it far worse on the job front, but as I heard it said once, 'my problems may not seem as severe as your problems, but they are still my problems and they still mean a lot to me'. I'm pretty sure that was Ugly Betty.

Anyway, funny part is this. I woke up feeling great. As you see from my last few posts, although the environment at my office is bullshit, I have mentally stepped back and was thinking 'no biggy' 'just a job' and 'I'm quitting soon anyway', and feeling pretty good about it.
Then I got in the car to come to the office. 26 miles to my office, takes me about 45 minutes. With each mile that passed and each moment that flew by, it got harder and harder for me to breathe.
By the time I pulled into Seattle itself, I was light headed and felt like I was about to puke. Nice huh? Happens to me every time I come in here. Wow.
Most of the things I have to say about this I already stated in part 1, but I thought a nice example followup would be good. I mean, hear I am thinking it's all okay, but apparently, it is really still not okay.

Just tells me I need to continue to make moving on more of a priority in life and renew my efforts to have this gig all wrapped up by the end of May.

So, just like on other Monday/Wed/Fridays (the days I try to come to the office) I can't make it through a full day and will be leaving as soon as I finish this post. It is 2PM. I've only been here 6 hours, but that is all I can take. There are still a few things I want to do for work after I get home, but I probably won't. The difference now is that I am not dwelling in any guilt for that sentiment.

Later-E

What do we strive for?

A king, a god a president?

Good luck and by the way, my sympathy.
To be that much, for so many, isn't really human it's superhuman. I believe in people that can do this, but for most of us, we ought re-think the aspiration.

Do you really want to be king? OK, maybe out of all of those king sounds best. At least it leaves us with nice visions of personal gratification without social concern (not a very kingly king, but whatever). Keep in mind, however, that those kinds of kings tend to live short and painfully ended lives.

Do you really want to be President? If you do, right off I feel you to be unqualified. For the most part, I think that is crazy talk. Who in their right mind would want to be considered the most powerful man in the world, with the big-ass target that comes with it and the big-ass responsibility as well. All of this, and we won't pay you like a pro-ball player, or even a high-powered lawyer. So, again, until I get to know you and appreciate your truly non-personal sacrifice for what it is, I believe this aspiration attracts only power-hungry and unworthy individuals.

Do you want to be God? God forbid! I won't really go here other than to say it is both of the others on steroids, plus more! Have you ever played Sim-Earth? Hell, that is too much for me to track. Never would I want to be God (someone's personal God or the world's God, way too much of not me in that).

So, as always, I come back to George Bailey. I come back to David. I come back to personal triumph and grass roots commitments. I truly envy those that can put on a global hat and fight for the many. But I, for one, can't get beyond the few....those I know, those I love. I have said before that if saints had children, those children would resent them. They would resent being personally denied for the 'greater good'. I admire those folks, but I don't think the world has, or needs, too many of them.

We should drop the crap that tells us to be President, that tells us to be Mother Theresa, that tells us to be King, and remember to be George Bailey.

And I leave you with this:
If you look to your life for a person you admire and that influenced you immensely, chances are it will NOT be a famous person, a king or a God. Chances are it is a neighbor, a family member, a teacher, a coach.
So, what do you want to be? How and by whom do you want to be remembered?

-E

So much to do and so little time

Although I feel the pressure of those words as keenly as the next guy, come on and think about it.

So much to do..............why? For whom? If it isn't for yourself, it is truly pointless and is a waste of time (which I thought we felt strapped for in this context). I have never believed in true unselfish sacrifice (an entirely different discussion), and am therefore disheartened by the idea that time is wasted 'doing for others'. If you are in such a state that you feel your time is spent wasting away for the benefit of something else, you had best review some life priorities.
Productivity in a true selfish sense cannot really be measured empirically, but rather felt through the satisfaction of obliging oneself. Productivity, as defined externally, with volume or quality standards is a huge crock of shit.

And what about 'so little time'. You know, you choose to do what you choose to do with your time. There are trade-offs, there could be consequences, but nevertheless, your time is spent how you choose to spend it. You can prioritize your job, your health, your family, your fun. You can take the same income and raise a family, see the world, gamble or buy illegal drugs. The world is, in fact, your oyster, and you can grab whatever you think looks like a pearl, but you have to choose to do so.

Even with all of this said, there is another, even deeper issue with it, which has to do with folks not knowing themselves, not believing in themselves and not empowering themselves. Raised with an 'aim to please' attitude, most of us don't even know what it is we would chose for ourselves and our time. Instead we walk through it all molded by the influence around us and feeling unsatisfied that behaving 'according to plan' isn't getting us off.

Everyone should step back for a moment, stop filling their lives with things just to fill time while bitching about their time shortages, and focus for a moment on what they see in a perfect vision, and how to spend more of their truly precious time, working towards that vision.

Later-

Breeding Anger and Malcontent

I currently exist in a really, really strange place-work wise.
Always with an anti-establishment bend, I have waited a long time to post anything about this, thinking that my slant on life was jading some view of reality and making me more pessimistic than I ought to be, but no.
The company I work for is truly broken, abusive, caustic and a breeding ground for anger, malcontent, depression, addiction and worse.

Keeping in mind that I have worked for a lot of companies in my career. Never been much for staying in place long term. My current position I have held for about 3.5 years now (which is rather long term for me), but I am done. I have watched so many good people come into this with positive goals, great attitudes, and the energy to conquer the world. Within 6 months, I have watched these folks turn into abusive, disgruntled addicts, steeped in negativity and becoming more unhealthy with each passing day.

When I started, it was a relatively small company, just shy of 100. We all worked hard to conquer the world, and although it was a lot of effort, it was a community/team/family effort. There was still 'stupidity' and individual angst and a good deal of turnover, but it was different. Not as explosive. Not as depressive. Not as repressed.

Then the company was purchased by a company of more than 30,000 employees. Initially the optimism of having greater access to resources, a more established structure, the notion of size equaling security, etc. brought a wave of excitement for what could come next.
The honeymoon ended quickly, honestly never really even getting underway. When all was said and done, and the dust of the deal had cleared, the staff was left feeling marginalized, ignored, 'backwatered' and unempowered.

That was just over a year ago, and I have watched over 1/2 of the original staff leave since then. Not to move forward or take a new opportunity, but rather to run away from the abusive 'mother' organization.

Draped in corporate cliches and placebos, I see a real evil here. I have watched suicide attempts and self-induced serious illness stemming from depression, and anger. The anger is probably the worst part, since it seeps out and threatens to engulf anything that passes close.

Although these kinds of reactions and issues can occur on some level in all groups and across society, the percentage that comes out of this particular environment is a statistical outsider, begging the question 'what is wrong here?'

I have some ideas on that, but I will hold them for another moment. For now, while I work my way out of the job with as much grace as I can muster, I offer this post as a tribute to the fallen and an accusation of a great wrong that is being done in the world.

Till later,

May and All it Brings

First post, auspicious timing.

First of May tomorrow, May Day eve tonight. Time of rebirth, time of new beginnings, time to become again.
All of this said after, what was for me, an absolutely horrible Winter of self-reflection (more self-loathing) and hybernation. I allowed the daily 'crap' to build into an unmanageable burden, and died along the way (choked under my own down).

Nuff of that, I got me a purple band that says 'no complaints', and it reminds me that all of that BS is transitory and passes like a Winter, to fade into obscurity. I have learned, at least for the moment, how to push all of it out of the way and focus on the right things:

Family, fun, love, beauty, truth, etc.

It is good, and I will have more to say, including a variety of complaints, since we need SOMEPLACE to vent, but for the blog start, no complaining.

It is sunny, the flowers are coming out, I am smiling, and that's all that counts.