Reclining Work

It was a strange week for work last week, like any of them are really normal these days. We had our ISP rolled over on Tuesday from comcast to qwest and had everything moved with it. Cable, internet, phones, cell phones, whatever.

So, as a guy that works at home, on the internet, it was a bit of a challenge for me. I was prepared for Tuesday and some downtime, but a Tuesday spent arguing about an incorrect modem (they sent one to connect a single hard wired computer, we have two of those and two to three wireless as well), followed by a Wednesday of no connection unless I was on the phone (a whole deal with the directtv phone stuff which was part of the package) left me a bit behind.

I have to say, the qwest tech, and the lovely automated phone system were nice enough to call me back a couple of times, letting me know they were 'working on it' and that finally 'they had resolved the issue'. This was especially pleasing since we had diagnosed and addressed it ourselves within 5 minutes of getting off the phone with unhelpful, but polite, tech. We were rocking and rolling, so what exactly they were working on, or eventually fixed, is beyond me.

Anyway, we did have to wait until Friday afternoon for a new modem, with a wireless router in it, to arrive. This left me working 3 days (I didn't hook up the new router until the evening) working as the only computer online, hardwired into the insufficient modem.

In one way it was neat, kind of good and productive. It is cool and somewhat dark down there and the boys didn't come down all day to disturb me. Normally (at least up until now, keeping in mind I have only really been full-time remote since the 4th) I work upstairs, in the living room, in my recliner. That's been okay, but in the mornings, the boys hang out for a good half hour/45 minutes, getting ready for the day, eating breakfast, stuff like that. And although they are fantastic for as young as they are about 'dad being at work' and 'not really there', that only goes so far.

And so it goes in a day. I am certainly productive and certainly get a lot done, but I often feel like I'm missing out, only because I can see the goings-on. On the flipside, I'm sure my boys wonder why I never get to do stuff they are doing during the day, regardless of the explanations of job and responsibility.

So, nearly a week of a different 'feel' and I am back in my recliner today, hooked up wireless, ready to roam and feeling pretty good about it. Today. I think I'm gonna mix it up a bit as we go and see how it all turns out. Funny part in all of this, I put a desk and power chord for my laptop back in the upstairs reading room (just behind the recliner I am currently planted in). I did so with the intention of using that spot for work, and had it ready to go 4th of July weekend, to start off the following Monday. 3 weeks later, I have yet to sit at that desk. Maybe this week....

Later-E

Half Full?

So I chuckle when it hurts
And I smirk when I see pain
It's a habit I formed long ago
Don't misread me, I'm okay

I just need release
From negativity
I just need to see
Insanity prevail

Giddyness is always my reaction in a crisis
It's a coping mechanism that I feed for inner stasis
I just need release I just need my glass to be half full and not the other
I just need some peace some reason to believe that I won't be another

Pessimistic masochistic hypocritic fuck
Narcisistic gone ballistic hyped franetic punk
Egocentric snob eclectic fed electric waste
Pornoholic hyperbolic way beyond good taste

Black comedy it feeds me well
With fun in the beholder
Encased in such a shallow shell
A smile can make me bolder

Later-E

The Meaning in the Message

I could write about a summer day
I could write to make you cry
Though it doesn't mean a thing but words
Unless you see the truth behind
The meaning in the message

I could tell you just how lovely
Your image is in moonlight
And how fragile sweet your being
I could make you feel just right

I could tell you you are wretched
Sick and lost and just a slave
You'd believe me, take it to heart
I could make you feel brave

But it's fleeting and it's fragile
And it's wrapped in window dressing
No one knows the truth behind it
Or the meaning in the message

I could speak of you as power
While I cut your inner heart
You would never know the difference
As I tore your soul apart

I could tell you that I love you
Would that serve to make it true
As I leave you at the altar
Some pathetic sad excuse

I could build you up like Moses
Preaching from the mountaintops
And then cut the hill beneath you
With one word I'll make it stop

Cause it's fleeting and it's fragile
And it's wrapped in window dressing
No one knows the truth behind it
Or the meaning in the message

Later-E

So Cool

Did they drop a bomb today?
If so I missed it on the news
What kind of bomb? and where to lay
The wounded and those hit with blues

But answered back in quiet voice
Was not a bomb but just a thing
A thing that hit me where it hurts
And left me with no voice to sing

I said but all the noise, the pain
The screaming and the crying so
Was this in fact for not but vain
Attempts to have a golden glow

Remember this
You shit and piss
Just like the rest
So far from best
And best is fiction
In your head
I find this sad
I find you dead

To me and all the rest outside
You're nothing but pathetic waste
I can't believe you feel so grand
About yourself that just your taste
Dictates the way it all should be
You pitch a fit if not easy
For you but you say screw the rest
The way you play is righteous, best

So cool, so condescending, ass
You rule, but fool, your time will pass

Later-E

My Chief

He holds me close and let's me know
That somehow i'm his hero
I've never felt so proud so tall
I live to be all that

He doesn't give to others like
He gives to me and wow
I've never been so honored just
To be seen as all that

And in his normal moments
Seems a bit lost in his thoughts
Introspective, somewhat sad
Such an old man in disguise
And the others they all tell me
I should show some more concern
Bout the nature of his being
As if i don't have a clue

They will never know the wonder
Of the bond that lies between
They can keep their words, their advice
For some other lost misguided

Doesn't play games
Hard to make him smile
Or laugh out loud but still
He has such joy and depth of soul

If there is anything that I
Worry about in this world
Is that he gets discouraged
By too much, too soon, too hard
And I strive to lighten all that
But he isn't one to take it
So we sit in retrospection both
And I hope for all the best...

For my Chief
Later-E

Resentment

My daddy gave you everything
You took it all including me
You gave my daddy nothing back
You piece of shit
You hypocrite
Your faceless persona I can't attack

My momma went to slave for you
You used her up and took her too
You left my momma nothing more
Than broken dreams
And endless screams
That echo as you close the door

On both
On more
On countless scores
Of used up tools
You made the rules
And broke them as they suited you

Hide behind the cheap disguise
Your fucking lies I do despise

And now I give you everything
A lesson I have yet to learn
I think I see but can't affect
A strong desire to watch it burn

And in my absence, my love fails
But in my presence nothing heals
You've left me nothing for the life
I long to lead, just pain and strife

My children and their children both
I hope for more, I hope they won't
Fall into this insipid trap
This hole of heart
This torn apart
This sacrifice they can't get back

Later-E

My Madness May Be Liberated!

Always approach such subjects with a grain of salt and a bit of hesitation, since truthfully, I could just be having a good day, or perhaps slipping into some new bit of madness I hadn't anticipated.

But over the past few weeks I have truly bled, and this time I let it out and let it go. I'm not sure anyone else would see it, as personal a journey as it has been, but things are different now.

I was so angry, to the point of non-function. I am still angry, but it is not personal anymore. I'm not out to hurt anyone in particular (although the same can not be said for entities such as schools, governments or businesses), and my anger to individuals has become an understanding of their weakness and a pity for their ignorant plight.

Some of this (hell, most of this) is completely personal. In my down, I was down on the world but primarily my own place within it. I felt ugly, worthless, used, hurtful, and really any other word that can detriment a person. When I finally came around to a realization of what is most important (moments of love, visions of beauty, laughter with friends), I started looking at doing better by myself.

I told my wife I needed to be selfish, and I did. I needed to selfishly set aside the time to clean, eat, exercise, and do things I enjoyed (guitar, reading, writing). I have done so over the past few weeks and I feel fantastic about it.

I eat like there is no tomorrow (which may not be good someday, but for a man that has to belt up a 30 inch pantline, its fine today), and am exercising twice plus (lots of physical work also) per day. I have spent more time with the family, playing, and more time outside, being fed by the sun. I have no intention on slipping back into my slump.
Admittedly, I still smoke and (the biggy) I drink way too much. I won't go into that too much farther, but suffice it to say that that sentence is an extreme understatement.

So, looking forward, more food, more exercise, more care for self, more time to play, more time to relax. A new job mixed with less drinking and less smoking is really the remainder of my current personal agenda.

Still, I am one pissed off dude when it comes to issues I see in the world, from war to famine to mistreatment to environmental rapage, but I can't go hit the picket lines if I can't face myself and get out of bed, so.......

Here we go!-E

Self-righteous assholes

Fucking Hypocritics!

So my neighbors catch the wife outside in front the other day, you know, doing some yardwork,
the whole 'hi neighbor', like I give a crap thing. And the lady next door, so sick and sweet
in presentation it could make you puke from the bullshit you are forced to ingest, says to her
'It would be really nice if you could keep your kids quiet when it gets late. You know, 7 8
o'clock and we are getting ready to settle down, and it would be nice if your children were
not so noisy'.

OK, I single quote, I paraphrase, because I was not actually there, but I have known my wife
for a while now, and I appreciate her perspective, so....regardless of the actual words, this
is what was said.

My first reaction....fuck you! My kids are 3 and 7 years old and rarely have friends over at
the late, late hours of 7 or 8 o'clock at night, so....again....fuck you! How much noise
could they really make? What about your teenage daughters being dropped off at 11, 12 or even 1 AM by the car with the rap sound system blaring in the driveway? Well, ok, that's music, so
I suppose it's forgiven. What about the car that comes to pick up the same girls in the
morning for school, at 6:30 AM, with the same music blaring, but adding the symphony of the
car horn to awaken the poor sleepy child, not yet ready to face the day.

Well guess what? Neither was I! It was fucking 6:30 and I was enjoying the peace and quiet
that I have BEFORE my family wakes up and shakes up the day.

So now, right now, the kicker. It is 8:15PM on a Tuesday and I am listening to the lawnmower
in the front yard next door. OMG! The absolute nerve. Of course, I will hold my tongue and
keep to myself, and resist the temptation to go next door and shove his left foot underneath
the goddamn thing just to prove a point. I cannot tell you how annoyed I am. So apparently,
blasting music, car horns and lawnmowers are ok during 'off' hours, but giggling and sometimes
exuberant joy from a 3 or 7 yr old boy is not.

We live in a world of white noise, where people don't understand the difference between the
sounds of life and the sound of existence. One is joy, the other necessity or at worse,
desperation. But we ignore, accept and even come to appreciate the white noise and find
living sounds disruptive.

I am currently so irritated with the neighbors. I certainly hope they never approach me on the
subject, because I am not the 'hold back' guy. I am the guy that purposefully went and
changed into my scrub pants with a hole in the crotch to greet the two female Jehovah
witnesses at my door. I am the asshole that will fill your world with negativity and never
mean a word. And if those fucks ever talk to me about the noise my children make at night, I
will certainly reveal my true dickishness in the extreme.

What a couple of fucking uptight, self-righteous, arrogant, upper-middle class, better than
you, shit don't stink, my kids are 'mature' (cause I'm an old fuck) hypocrites. I hope more
than anything in life, that I will never move to be more like them.

Later-E

Marginalized.....right out the door!

So wow! I feel strange today after hearing the words from my boss that I should give up my office and just work from home all the time.

I know, you are probably thinking 'how cool' and 'how do I get that deal?', and you are probably right. It is sweet. It is a pure indication of the fact that I am trusted as a self-motivator and producer in my position, without the need for any direct management, but.....

I have been here for 3.5 years now. Coming into Seattle everyday last year and 3 days a week this year, to the same office with the same folks. It is (as offices become) a second home of sorts and I certainly have invested a huge amount of time between these walls over my term with the company. And so, I am somewhat melancholy.

If you have read any of my stuff, you know that I have been working on marginalizing myself for quite a while now, with every intention of moving on to a new job (new company) as soon as I wrap up my current infrastructure projects. In doing so, I have moved to a quiet office in a back hall, I only come to the office 3 days/week, and I speak in the background, using 'public' managers to express my needs/views and concerns. It is a powerfully quiet position, and very few people even understand what I do. I like that. I like it so much that I am proud to be the only person in an office without a title on the door. Just my name. I like that part because I have never been all that good at being a title, and there are really no labels within the company that I care to apply.

I like to call myself Special Ops.

The transition to full time remote is simply another step in a path that I have purposefully laid out (with my manager's full awareness and cooperation). He is at the point now where he is actually more concerned with my next career move than anything I am currently doing at work. He knows my projects are near completion and that come sometime between the end of July and the beginning of September, I will have to move on. If I don't, I would not be at all suprised to see him let me go at that point (honestly, for my own good).

Having said all of that, it isn't just that they are hiring new people like crazy and really do need the office space, but he is trying to help me move on by kicking me one step further out of the fold.

And so, easy to remember, Independence Day in more ways than one. What I am really going to have to do now is listen to myself and my manager and take this opportunity to truly work the process of moving on to the next thing.

Later-E