Marching Drums

Do you hear it?
Better yet, feel it?
Your world you really think you can heal it?
Try and tell me you can never go numb
Can't hear the screams against the beat of the marching drums

Do you fear it?
As they scramble to get near it
Can you fight against something so endeared to them
Never back down, never succumb
Whose standing up against the beat of the marching drums

Lie awake at night dreaming of solitude
Quietaphobics all just leading the way
Don't need your hatred
Don't want no sympathy
Just take a look inside at uniform conformity

So does it move you (the beat of the marching drum)?
Does it remove you (the beat of the marching drum)?
Strip out your hopelessness (the beat of the marching drum)?
And leave an empty sense of bliss

If the rhythm stopped, where would that leave you
Noiseaholics couldn't find their own way
Wander in silence
Sink into violence
Lost in the dark in the light of the day

Do you fight it?
Run away and hide from it
Or just embrace the emptiness and lie with it
Let it slip away, losing all that you have won
It's so much easier, moving to the marching drums

So does it move you (the beat of the marching drum)?
Does it remove you (the beat of the marching drum)?
Take all your innocence (the beat of the marching drum)?
Catatonic, now you're moving on with nothing left!

Later-E

I've had my fill, take it elsewhere!

Continuing on from yesterday's theme, with hopefully a bit more focus.
I mentioned being lethargic and bummed for a long time, with some new energy and hope coming into the picture, to focus my angst and my anger.
Unfortunately, for those couple of entities out there that believe I am financially indebted to them, my war starts in their yards.
While there are many things I care about in the world, and could channel my energy towards, I realize that my biggest ethical issues revolve around corporate entities (couldn't have guessed this by previous posts I'm sure), worker treatment, tyranny and the abuses of money.

As an Economics AND Philosophy major, my head has always been wrapped up in the material vs the spiritual, maintaining what they call the 'life-work' balance and what it takes to make one happy in our modern materialistic world.

Traditionally I have been labelled as somewhat of a 'hippy freak', given that money has never been my focus. I have watched a lot of it come and go, with hardly a care.
Over the past 5 years or so, since having children and striving to give them what I was told to be the American dream, I have completely lost touch with my traditions. I speak a good game, but I still sacrifice myself to the 'man' much more than I ever dreamed I would.

I'm done. It's not about the life of the company, it's about my life and the life of my family.

I have always been gifted at encouraging others to take this path, make their own way, evaluate their loyalties on a constant basis, and 'question authority', but I have fallen short of being a role model in this area. One of my favorite things to say (as a manager and counselor in the workplace) have been 'Your kids won't care if you're a Senator or even God if you aren't there for them. Better to be an available and happy gas station attendant'.

But this requires inner strength, conviction and fortitude, which I gave up along the way to the ideas of success through slavery. I'm done with that shit! The old me was the guy that quit because he couldn't spend enough time with his family and wasn't willing to make that sacrifice. Hell, the old me was the guy that stood up to the Soccer Coach in High School on the subject of fairness, only to be personally punished and not backed up by my teammates. I will be this me again.

We are so pathetically weak as individuals when it comes to our personal goals, rights and freedoms, making trade-offs that we convince ourselves are good ones, but regret for years to come. We allow ourselves to be shit upon, abused, neglected and used up by faceless companies as well as by the wanna-be dictators and tyrants (with faces) that populate the ranks of workforce management. Used car salesmen (if you truly are one, please excuse the reference) who deal in human souls without a second thought. Fuck that!

That is the underlying position I am taking for the coming battle. Timing is perfect, since right at this moment I am sitting in an overvalued Suburban home being harrassed by lovely entities such as T-Mobile and Target for pennies that I contend are not theirs to take. All of this at a time of economic unrest, housing market bubbles, bank collapses and the revealing of monetary greed like never seen before. I've had my fill!

Americans for Fairness in Lending beckoned to me this morning, through a fortuitous turn of events that had my friend sending me a link to a news article on predatory lending and the abuse of the American public by greedy lending institutions. It took no time at all for me to realize that my fight would start here, with the AfFiL, and that the first thing I needed to do was stand up and tell these abusive entities (starting with the two mentioned above plus my mortgage company) to fuck off and take it elsewhere.

I have rights, they are my rights and I won't give them away. I will no longer be the average Joe that bends over for these creditors on a whim, riddled with guilt and anxiety over an indebtedness that is fictitious (or even real for that matter). I'm the client, I'm the customer, I'm a real person and it is completely within my rights to stand up and say 'prove it, and until you do, don't call me again or I will be the one filing charges'

Sound bold? That's only because you were taught that you couldn't do this, that it was somehow unworthy. That you really need to just make the best of it and suck it up. I know you all have heard those things before (make the best of it, etc.) and again I say.....screw that!

I will not suck it up. I will not lay down and bend over anymore. I will not enslave myself to a corporation that will most likely die (go under) before me. They are transient, living in the ethereal world, and in the long run, mean nothing to me and my life.

People are real, people are worth saving, people are going to be here longer than these beasts of greed, and the investment has to be in reality. As comment on the current economic crisis, I say let the corporations fall, they only serve to manipulate and rule through greenbacks. I do understand and want to ensure that this course does not 'trickle down' on good people, so I will accomodate the idea that some degree of bailout is needed here, but accountability needs to be a factor and many need to fail. Do I care about that? I care about the job losses, I care about the effects on you and me and my neighbors around the world, but about the entities themselves, I could care less.

I know a lot of folks invested in careers, wearing corporate logos and eating, drinking, sleeping and shitting their jobs to the detriment of all else in their lives. I'm so sorry they were duped and hope someday they will snap out of it because all I see in their futures is frustration, dependence and death, after being cast aside into a lonely post-usefulness existence. Pity.

But as for me, no more! If you think I owe you anything, think again. Every promise I made under false pretense I am rescinding, and taking back what's mine. So if you do feel I owe you, be ready to prove it to me or take it elsewhere!

Later-E

Fast, furious and somewhat funny world

That would be funny peculiar more than funny ha-ha, although there have certainly been some ha-ha moments since last I posted (end of July).

I'm not sure that it has put me on any road to hell that I wasn't already driving, but my intention to post daily and let it all out has been just that (intention) for nearly two months now.

It crossed my mind, but then again, so did many things, and I have found myself having less and less time despite my irritation with having less and less time (the irritation didn't help). So, since July, my workload has gone up substantially while at the same time I am trying to get my life together to move on to other employment, we went to the beach for a week at the end of August and that certainly flew by too quickly, we started the kids in school at the beginning of September, which now has the whole family up and working by 6AM, and so much more.

Schedules, field trips, tasks, vacations.....wow. And now I prep to enjoy my 10th anniversary with Athena. 10 years, and again....wow.

Looking at the way 10 years has flown past, it is little wonder that a couple of hectic months can pass by like a day. I'll take this and reaffirm my intention to post every day, with the understanding that this is a virtual day, perhaps only distantly related to the actual passage of time.

Neat times, a little nervous, a little giddy, I would like to say somewhat relaxing but I'm not sure that part is true. We are in the process of considering job changes, moving somewhere new, getting involved in more community/activism type activities, watching the rapidly approaching election unfold as the economy collapses, and working on several lifestyle changes, while at the same time continuing to do the norm (work, sleep, eat, live, learn, play). It's a lot, and the day goes from 5AM to 8PM for the boys, to 10PM for us, without much of a break in the flow.

There is a huge sense of not really knowing what may happen tomorrow (the nervous and giddy part), both personally and globally. I have been marginalizing myself at work for nearly a year now, and although the dependence on what I do is still strong, it lessens daily. Add to that the fact that my boss isn't sure that his future (or the Seattle office's in general) is very secure and we have professional uncertainty. The 'where we live' issue (wanting to move and get out of Suburbia) was very stressful for a time, but has tapered back to a mild nervousness and uncertainty. Not sure exactly where we want to end up, but positive it's not here.

Globally, I can't say that I feel great about the upcoming Presidential Election. I'm nervous and uncertain that the country will do (what I think to be) the right thing to move forward into a 'better' world. Especially now that we are faced with what my opinion thinks of as the scariest VP candidate in my lifetime (and probably more). Furthermore, I can't know for sure if my mortgage and house are secure (not that I really care that much, since I want to leave anyway), so some added uncertainty.

But all of that, which is the nervous part, is overwhelmed by a renewed feeling of optimism for the future. There is a hope of better things to come, although it's scope is currently focused on just my family, and that change will be for the better, regardless. There is a renewed appreciation for the world with all it's features and faults, that is pulling me to get more involved in a greater community. There is a renewed wellspring of creativity and thought that is swelling within me and manifesting in some fantastic and fun ways. This is the neat part.

Put them together and I'm left with the giddy feeling I mentioned.

If nothing else, these are fast and wild times to live. I'm enjoying them, and if I had but one request, it would be that it went by a little slower and I had more time to relax. Oh well, it's just about October now, and with the lovely proton collider supposed to start whacking beams together this month, it may be a mute point (again, nervous/giddy) on a global scale. The entertaining of possibilities from that endeavor are endless.

Thus, with no real point to this post, I will leave it there, in hopes I can continue to get up here and say things that are a bit more poignant (at the least, with a point).

Later-E

Reclining Work

It was a strange week for work last week, like any of them are really normal these days. We had our ISP rolled over on Tuesday from comcast to qwest and had everything moved with it. Cable, internet, phones, cell phones, whatever.

So, as a guy that works at home, on the internet, it was a bit of a challenge for me. I was prepared for Tuesday and some downtime, but a Tuesday spent arguing about an incorrect modem (they sent one to connect a single hard wired computer, we have two of those and two to three wireless as well), followed by a Wednesday of no connection unless I was on the phone (a whole deal with the directtv phone stuff which was part of the package) left me a bit behind.

I have to say, the qwest tech, and the lovely automated phone system were nice enough to call me back a couple of times, letting me know they were 'working on it' and that finally 'they had resolved the issue'. This was especially pleasing since we had diagnosed and addressed it ourselves within 5 minutes of getting off the phone with unhelpful, but polite, tech. We were rocking and rolling, so what exactly they were working on, or eventually fixed, is beyond me.

Anyway, we did have to wait until Friday afternoon for a new modem, with a wireless router in it, to arrive. This left me working 3 days (I didn't hook up the new router until the evening) working as the only computer online, hardwired into the insufficient modem.

In one way it was neat, kind of good and productive. It is cool and somewhat dark down there and the boys didn't come down all day to disturb me. Normally (at least up until now, keeping in mind I have only really been full-time remote since the 4th) I work upstairs, in the living room, in my recliner. That's been okay, but in the mornings, the boys hang out for a good half hour/45 minutes, getting ready for the day, eating breakfast, stuff like that. And although they are fantastic for as young as they are about 'dad being at work' and 'not really there', that only goes so far.

And so it goes in a day. I am certainly productive and certainly get a lot done, but I often feel like I'm missing out, only because I can see the goings-on. On the flipside, I'm sure my boys wonder why I never get to do stuff they are doing during the day, regardless of the explanations of job and responsibility.

So, nearly a week of a different 'feel' and I am back in my recliner today, hooked up wireless, ready to roam and feeling pretty good about it. Today. I think I'm gonna mix it up a bit as we go and see how it all turns out. Funny part in all of this, I put a desk and power chord for my laptop back in the upstairs reading room (just behind the recliner I am currently planted in). I did so with the intention of using that spot for work, and had it ready to go 4th of July weekend, to start off the following Monday. 3 weeks later, I have yet to sit at that desk. Maybe this week....

Later-E

Half Full?

So I chuckle when it hurts
And I smirk when I see pain
It's a habit I formed long ago
Don't misread me, I'm okay

I just need release
From negativity
I just need to see
Insanity prevail

Giddyness is always my reaction in a crisis
It's a coping mechanism that I feed for inner stasis
I just need release I just need my glass to be half full and not the other
I just need some peace some reason to believe that I won't be another

Pessimistic masochistic hypocritic fuck
Narcisistic gone ballistic hyped franetic punk
Egocentric snob eclectic fed electric waste
Pornoholic hyperbolic way beyond good taste

Black comedy it feeds me well
With fun in the beholder
Encased in such a shallow shell
A smile can make me bolder

Later-E

The Meaning in the Message

I could write about a summer day
I could write to make you cry
Though it doesn't mean a thing but words
Unless you see the truth behind
The meaning in the message

I could tell you just how lovely
Your image is in moonlight
And how fragile sweet your being
I could make you feel just right

I could tell you you are wretched
Sick and lost and just a slave
You'd believe me, take it to heart
I could make you feel brave

But it's fleeting and it's fragile
And it's wrapped in window dressing
No one knows the truth behind it
Or the meaning in the message

I could speak of you as power
While I cut your inner heart
You would never know the difference
As I tore your soul apart

I could tell you that I love you
Would that serve to make it true
As I leave you at the altar
Some pathetic sad excuse

I could build you up like Moses
Preaching from the mountaintops
And then cut the hill beneath you
With one word I'll make it stop

Cause it's fleeting and it's fragile
And it's wrapped in window dressing
No one knows the truth behind it
Or the meaning in the message

Later-E

So Cool

Did they drop a bomb today?
If so I missed it on the news
What kind of bomb? and where to lay
The wounded and those hit with blues

But answered back in quiet voice
Was not a bomb but just a thing
A thing that hit me where it hurts
And left me with no voice to sing

I said but all the noise, the pain
The screaming and the crying so
Was this in fact for not but vain
Attempts to have a golden glow

Remember this
You shit and piss
Just like the rest
So far from best
And best is fiction
In your head
I find this sad
I find you dead

To me and all the rest outside
You're nothing but pathetic waste
I can't believe you feel so grand
About yourself that just your taste
Dictates the way it all should be
You pitch a fit if not easy
For you but you say screw the rest
The way you play is righteous, best

So cool, so condescending, ass
You rule, but fool, your time will pass

Later-E