Slipping Back

As water trickles through it grows
No need for big ass floods
As love nurishes me, I know
To rise out of the mudd
In which I wallow
Daily, hollow
Getting nowhere
Wanting somewhere

Now, it's greater than I can forsee
It's everything that I believe and more
Not something to deceive I can't
Even imagine slipping back

As lifeblood flows, the souls alive
No need for sacrifice
It courses through, beyond me thrives
And feeds me with the life
Which I deny
I break I hide
Deep down inside
Now can't deny that

It's greater than I can forsee
It's everything that I believe and more
Not something to deceive I can't
Even imagine slipping back

Slipping back a slippery slope
Slipping back a tightening rope
Around my neck, around my thoughts
Of slipping back and staying lost

As time slides past each moment faster
Than the last I need to cast
A print a stamp a mark to place
Myself within this time and space
But feet unsteady, head is heavy
Not quite ready, nevermind
Each step gets harder I start to wander
The slope is stronger, so I find I'm

Slipping back a slippery slope
Slipping back a tightening rope
Around my neck, around my thoughts
Of slipping back and staying lost

Later-E

Which Tribe is It?

Which Tribe is Slipknot?

I'm an unhappy camper today, to say the least (not my usual postive cheery posting self?). My favorite current band has let me down pretty hard, and I'm hoping that I'm just missing part of something bigger or better or even different, but....

So here's how it goes. Music nowadays is moving away from the record industry and the corporate music dollar. There are waves of band and musicians that I respect, who have turned to a free music concept, with Internet delivery at little to no cost, etc. It's a strange model, but amazingly enough, it can make money for the band (more than the current music industry setup) and save fans a ton. Plus the music becomes more widely distributed and this actually a marketing/selling point. Kind of best of both worlds.

Then, of course, the bands put a CD out with 'hard stuff' (covers, artwork, lyrics, actual discs, etc.) and I, like most fans, go out and buy them. Any pre-release marketing, including giving me all of the tracks to download for free, does not deter me from going to the store and picking up the CD. Again my point, good marketing.

Now let me mention Slipknot. If you don't know this, Slipknot claims to be all about the common man. All against the military-corporate conglomeration that 'rules' the modern Western world. Anti-man, anti-establishment, etc. Nearly every song touches on the subject if it isn't the main point. Great, I love it. I believe it. I feel it.

So Slipknot goes out in their grotesque masks, wearing uniforms of the Slipknot tribe. We are all invited to join the tribe and get a number (they have numbers, shouldn't we?). And again, the marketing them is all about the tribe of the maggots, the power of many common people against the small number of elite opressors and yada yada.

Cool. So why pissed?

Slipknot is in the painfully slow process of releasing a new album. It won't be out until August, but they have been using this year thus far to tease and entice. It started with pictures of the band (we believe) in big ass Mardi Gras masks, at some farm in Iowa. Different photo each week or so, released on their site, to the fans. Good shit, I'm there. Then a pre-release of a first single in June. Only available on their band site for a 24 hour free download. Nice countdown clock to keep all aware, again....good shit. Not as good as Trent and NIN releasing all tracks on the web, but I'll take it.

So yesterday I go to the website to see what is next, and wow. The next single will be released officially next Tuesday, but to hear it one can go to the Hot Topic store and listen. It will be played each hour all day on Sunday, before it is released to fans, etc. This is not cool shit. In fact, it reeks of corporate tribalism and pursuit of the dollar for it's own sake.

I call hypocrytical bullshit on Corey and company. Funny part is, I actually like Hot Topic. It's a cool store. But that is so not the point. I wasn't planning on going there this weekend. What the fuck? If the answer is just that: Hot Topic is a cool store, then what are you telling me? To learn to understand the differences between good and bad corporations and promote good ones? Give me a break. The message has never been about that, and people are not only too ignorant but too overwhelmed to do naught but remain ignorant on the differences between a good and bad corporation. Hell, I have close friends that can't agree on whether or not they think Wal-Mart is a good corporation, and that is just one of a million.

And so I wondering, feeling a piece of my tribal mentality in question again, am I part of the tribe of Slipknot, or part of the Hot Topic tribe? Or maybe the Rockstar Energy Tribe? Or maybe........

Later-E

How was I convinced?

It is so subtle and underhanded, the whole do as I say, not as I do thing.

And it isn't just the deal with parents and kids, but is actually pervasive in our society as a whole.

Some of it is obvious, like advertisers trying to convince you to buy their stuff. That isn't so much what bothers me, mostly because it is honest and blunt and in your face. Don't get me wrong, there is an entire 'other' topic concerning advertising to children where my opinion is not so cheery, but for now, for this, I can live with that.


What I can't live with are all of the subliminal messages that are fed to us throughout life, which are subtle enough to grab us and take hold without us ever being the wiser.


This relates to work and play and life, keep up with the Joneses, have the latest electronic gizmo or toy, make sure you are eating trendy, reading trendy, watching trendy. Have you seen the new movie? You really have to! Have you tried the new restaurant? Have you bought their new album? And all of that is little stuff, obvious stuff. It truly pisses me off, especially when their is a hidden, subtle judgement that gets passed when you haven't done these things. You can see the look of 'poor you' or worse 'what's wrong with you'. Nothing dammit! I just don't have time to keep up with all the trend (not to mention desire).

On a deeper and more life influencing level, we've had this crap flug at us our entire lives. Not small stuff, not easy to see, but deep things like 'you must own a house', 'you must make good money at your job' (which by the way, is not directed at doing anything with the money, it is JUST about the making money), 'you must own two cars', 'you must have kids and a strong family'.
Now don't get me wrong (it's easy cause I'm one hell of a devil's advocate), some of it I agree with and am into. But not MUST. They are choices that should be recognized as valid either way. What game are we losing if we don't have two cars? Who is ranking human worth by looking at a person's paycheck? Fuck that!

I have too much. That may sound strange, but it is true. I only really use about 10% of it. I sit in one chair, with one laptop while working, but I have a desk set up in another room (that I never use). I have 8 million DVDs, just as many CDs and half as many video games, and I only use a handful of each, if that. I have two cars, but I work at home and my wife is a stay at home, homeschooling mom. What does this mean? It means I have two cars sitting in my driveway all the time.

And so, the time has come to whittle. I have done it before, and my wife is finally okay with whittling as well (she has actually joined me in the simplify kick, if not one upped me), but the kids are having issue. They do love 'stuff' (which is actually the most important reason to proceed).

At the end of the day, you can't take it with you, and when you speak to folks on their way out of life, it was never the stuff that did it for them. It was the love, the joy, the beauty, the fun, the untangible, which ironically is so much more real that the stuff of matter that we cling to and judge our worth by.

Later-E

Comfort?

Blessed by the notion of the love that could abound about
Always finding strength to keep it stay
Founded on the promise of the brotherhood we found, it out
And turning our commitment to the day

We try to never suffer
We suffer not to try
And all the broken hearted
In lines they pay to cry
For nothing in particular
Ourselves our lives and fates
And when the end seems endless
They rise and turn and hate

WE COULD NEVER AFFORD THIS!!!!

Comforted by gags and props and scents to calm the soul
Focused and ignoring any pain
Productive by the definition someone has placed on us
We shuffle and we bustle through the day

We want for another
We're endlessly craving
The needs unfullfilled
With desires depraving
Corroding the innocence
If such a thing's real
And crowding the mind
So we can't stop to feel

WE COULD NEVER AFFORD THIS!!!

Later-E

Alone for Two

I want so much to feel, to touch
But not for pain and suffering
I won't reach out again my love
My hand still feels the biting slap

The biting words, the accusations
Understood but misunderstood
A viscious cycle, justified
Repression such an ugly side of love

And hate, pent up emotions
Breaking through from vulgar depths
And facing fear from paths untrodden
Impossible to overcome, so death

Becomes its own volition
Pulling back, pretending sane
With lusty dreams of retribution
Want for power fills his brain

Stuck within, I'll hold it near
But cannot share right now for fear
Of my own pain, you've made it clear
Your call, which way we go from here

But still, sitting, hoping, dreaming, loving
Bitter though the world's becoming
Wishing for a word to say that everything will be
Again allright my love, now rise again and live
But all that I have in me now I give
To noone in the hopes that you again might want my heart
My soul, my all I save for you
Don't let it lie and fall apart

Later-E

Corplebos

Oh my lord, could we talk more yet say less?

I know, jaded question...way to open for leaving alone. And, I could take this so many
directions. But let's start with verbal 'window dressing'. I am absolutely fed-up with
little catch phrases, designed to distract, discourage, encourage, motivate, appease or
anything else you can come up with, that have NO ACTION behind them.

Why here? Why now? Of course, from me, it is corporate bullshit. I have the pleasure of
sitting in the office right next to the VP/CEO/Bigwig of the entire division of this huge ass
company I work for. Woohoo!

Now, let me set it a little for you. I really have the only occupied office in my 'wing' of
the building. Right across the hall is the shipping/receving group, whose office door is WAAY
down the hall. Beyond the bug cheif's office is the lunchroom, again with a door WAAY down
the hall. So really, unless he is in the home office and next to me, I am the only office in
the hallway. Now Big Chief, he leaves his office door open and talks on the speaker phone
(fairly loudly I might add), so I get to hear it all. Only time this isn't true is when a
local manager comes by to visit and shuts the door behind them walking in. Bummer?

So, all day long this month, I have had the joy of listening to him talk on the phone ALL DAY
LONG. Believe me, I know bullshit and this isn't it. The man talks ALL DAY LONG. Goes from
one conference call with managers to a conversation with his assistant, to a performance
review, then a sales meeting, then a customer call (with an irate customer). Oh, wait, let's
not forget to throw in a personal call to an ISP that is charging his wife too much money for
the family Internet. Now here's the funny (and I use that term loosely) part.....All of the
conversations sound the same. Not similar, not 'kind of' like each other. Exactly the same.

'So, I think we need to leverage that aspect a bit more' 'I think we may have a disconnect on
that part of it, even though the overall concept looks mutually agreeable' 'Could be that we
may not be able to realize that right now, but we could look into means to mitigate any
adverse effects'

What the fuck is that? I mean, really? What the fuck is that?

So my head is spinning as I leave the office, thinking 'wow, that dude gets paid an ungodly
amount of money to say the same things over and over all day long'. I will admit, the
audience is different, so there are different topics at hand, but his words are EXACTLY the
same. Generic, placebic, hell, they are my phrase for the day:

Corplebos!

Later-E

Life Story

Said the ancient to the little boy
I've got a tale to tell you of
The world and what I know, the things I've learned

From beginnings small and timid
I have found a better way but
Understand that all the time I have is fleeting

I have walked life empty handed
And again with a full purse
And i cannot you better each the same
Not about the mortal conquests
But the spiritual gain that you can
Come by as you figure out your name

All I've known and all I ever will
A moment past, tomorrow still
And I would that it could fill
All of my world eternally
Nevermind the hollow swill
That looms about and leaves a chill
An effervescent life fullfilled
And now I try to pass.....

The little boy's distracted
He's heard too much today
Another story wasting time
When he should go and play
The purpose with the reason
The envy with the loss
The ancient turns to little boy
He tells him not to hate, destroy
The little boy he cannot hear
His ears are full, his eyes they fear
The world is full of wrongs to right
I'm worthy if I hunt and fight!

Said the ancient to the little boy
I've got a tale to tell you of
The world they want you knowing, things you'll learn
From all that is immortal
There can be a better way and
Understand that you can live a life unending......

So it rolls, moves and flows.

Later-E

Not One for You

I am the shit
You ain't nothing yet
Seen falling flat
On your own bullshit

I never felt
One moment without
Hurting past
Now I am fading fast

Not that I wanted all that much from you
Little bit of nasty and some conversation that'll do
All my insights leave you shallow and depraved
Not one for me and I'm not one for you

Turning a bit
Hostile I keep it
Under my skin
Can't let you know when

Losing my faith
Turning to disgrace
Fallen to stay
Another runaway!

Not that I needed all that much from you
A little rub a little nub... a word or two, well that might do but
Not even silence breaks the silence can't be saved
Not one for me and I'm not one for you

Another mess
Under extreme duress
I can be found
Where addicts all abound

Little is heard
Not even chosen words
Coming from you
And all i wanted was.....

Later-E

Hold the Line

Hold the line, what line, I'm fine this time
No crime in mind sublime it's kind
Don't share don't care not scared what's scared
Won't stare out there not fair don't care

Hypocritical justified
Hypercynical feeling fine
Always clinical never kind
Hypothetical hold the line
Strong and powrerlful makes it fine
Theoretical blind the eye
Mission critical, let them die
Hypothetical hold the line

Hold the line, your line I'm blind, you're mine
Its time just try my life your crime
You glare and wear cloak of depair
Won't stare out there not fair don't care!

Justifiable homicide
Bubble gum versions of cyanide
Widespread societal suicide
Hypothetical hold the line
Knowing but turning in nevermind
Where is the judge at the end of time
Economically modified
Hypothetical hold the line

Later-E

Muse

So long I sat and gazed upon the visage
Of nobody for certain, none to mention
And from her gained the strength to hope again
To turn and face with stubborn apprehension

All that I do not know and never will
Yet moving towards it bravely I will still
Hold beauty, truth and love so near my heart
And never fear the ones that always try to break apart

I can't remember needing when I started
So brazen and so bold I conquered all
But as the road got longer and my courage lost its way
I needed something more to break my fall

We all create the gods and goddesses we feel we need
And I found within another such a pillar, such a feed
To hold onto when feeling like the sand upon the shore
I lose my way again and start to drift a little more

Refuge in the quiet and the peaceful
Haunted in the silent numbing age
Of morning and the spendor yet to open
My hope it springs within and writes a story on the page
That I can cling to

I can't remember needing when I started
So brazen and so bold I conquered all
But as the road got longer and my courage lost its way
I needed something more to break my fall

Later-E

Sacrifice

Human sacrifice
Bread and mead and rice
Never had chance
Not really meant to last

Not a sacrifice
Lest we're suffering
Can't be really felt
By those without needs

Now they speak of all the things
That are wrong and what is needed
To bring them back to rest
To make it whole

But I doubt that all the kings
Really care about the bleeding
Just another sacrifice
To feed aristocratic souls

Still we carry on
TV drones along
Letting people know
Where it's needed most

So we go repent
With a dollar spent
Feeling no remorse
It could all be worse

If you have do you understand have not?
More than just intellectual sense
A bleeding heart doesn't mean that you thought
It would ever turn out just like this in the end

And you cry and you mourn for your brethren
And you weep like a baby and pray
Does it help you to wail? Even help you to fail?
Make you feel more a part of the day?

Not a clue what to give
What it means to just live
Day to day what are needs
Not a clue

And the TV just screams
Horrors, all broken dreams
Come to pass in my own
Living room

Sacrifice what he asks?
Needing to be told due to to true ignorance
Tell me I will take the task
Needing to be told when he has soiled his underpants

Later-E

At Least I'm Not You!

Sycophant, no self-respect
Wannabe tyrant, still perplexed
By what it means, don't have a clue
All I can say, at least I'm not you!

Toady, yes-man, what is yours?
Nothing here but leftovers
And scraps they throw to keep you fed
Alive, I think not, must be dead

Cowardly inside polished shell
Are you happy here in hell?
Or do you even see the deal
What is bullshit what is real and

How does it look from down there on your knees?
Not so gentle reminder that you're the disease
Servile pawn, blind and faithful it's true
One thing to say, well at least I'm not you!

Over and under and over again
You're telling me you are my partner and friend
All that is certain with never an end is.....

At least I'm not you!
At least I'm not you!

Later-E

Something To Live For

Wow,

First of all, I am shocked that it has been a whole week since I have been up here. I was fairly high (pain killers) the entire week, and it passed like a dream, so maybe I can place blame there (completely different topic for another day on how much I hate passing blame to something external). Anyway, it happened, the week passed. Now my tooth is gone and I feel 100% better (again, not really my topic today).

Today I want to mention something I saw last night that I found adorable and inspiring. I saw someone truly taken by emotion over something they truly live for (bad english, what the hell).

For anyone that knows me, you know I love basketball. Furthermore, you know I love K.G. Always have, even thought it was hard to root for the Timberwolves at times (hell, I live in Seattle and also pulled for the Sonics, so how hard could it be to love the T-wolves?).

Last night was the last game of this year's NBA finals. Boston won! K.G. won! First ring for the boy and well deserved. His entire career has been at the top of the individual rankings. Highest paid player in the league, for good reason. If you look at stats, every year he is top of efficiency. Within the top 10 or so in point, rebounds, steals and assists. Personal opinion, the overall best player in the game. But he has always played for his coach, his team, the game, anything but himself. Most common 'bad' feedback on K.G. has always been that he needs to be a more selfish player and shoot more. But no, he plays the whole team and does a beautiful job of it.

So last night they won. As usual, the game was followed by 30 minutes of post-game interviews and such. They tried 3 times to talk to K.G. but he was too busy howling, crying, hugging people and yellling 'I love you mom!' 30 minutes and you couldn't even get a complete sentence out of him.

It has been a while since I have had the opportunity to see such outward joy, what with a 7 foot tall grown man acting like a kid in a candy shop. And it was fantastic. It made me feel great. I have mentioned my recent inability to be enthuised about stuff. On one level I was jealous, but the underlying feeling was positive. K.G. reminded me of how simple joy could be, and how you really could live for and enjoy something on that deep of a level.

Next step, find my joy.

Later-E

Justifying the Gym

So I am driving to work this morning, as I do a couple of times a week, and I notice (as if for the first time) all of the gyms, packed into little stripmalls along my route.
Wow, there are a lot of them. Almost as many as Starbucks shops.
And I think to myself......wow, we must be really fit as a society. There are enough gyms that we can all have memberships, and if we are all working out....well there you go, one incredibly fit and healthy population. Right?

And yet everyday I read something about how overweight we are, how we are a society of lazy channel surfers, dying from high blood pressure and lack of exercise.

So it all comes together in my head. It's a feel-good. It's not real. We know we are screwing ourselves health-wise. We know we should be taking the time to really live and get exercise as part of that living (not a supplement). But we don't do the real, to-the-root, right thing. Instead we accept another life failure and try to 'make up' for it by spending 20 minutes at the gym. And that is only some of us. Many of us just by a membership and then grumble about not having the time to spend at the gym. Either way, we feel healthier?

And if you look at the purpose of fitness, it is even stranger. Why are we concerned with being fit? To live longer healthier lives? Obviously, there are better ways than the gym, as I just alluded to. To look better for others? I will be honest and tell you that I think a 'chiseled' gym body is unnatural and funny looking. To be in good shape if you ever need to use your fitness? Maybe, but if I think about it, I am more apt to need the ability to walk several miles from my broken down car than to need the ability to bench press 300 pounds from a table. And guess what? A 20 minute workout at the gym does not prep you for a multi-hour walk to the gas station.

So, we build gyms, and join gyms and sometimes even go to gyms, in an effort to replace a little bit more 'real life', and in doing so, we lose.

We lose the experiences of the real world and what it offers. We lose the variety of challenges the world offers and replace them with known circular motions (exercise machines). We lose the mental growth and stimulation that occurs in the real world and replace it with monotony and repetition.

Yeah, I never really thought about it before today, but I find the gym concept for the layman quite silly. For serious sports folks and training, sure. But to stay in shape and replace 'normal' activity, I wonder how we ever got suckered into that one.

Later-E

It really is better to burn out!

Do you think Michael Jordan should have come back to play with Washington after retiring?

Do you think 1980's (and earlier) hair band, lying dormant for 15 plus years, should be on a comeback tour (playing the same old songs even)?

I used to have mixed feelings, thinking sometimes it's okay, sometimes not. Now that I am the aging rock-star; now that I am Michael Jordan, it think it always sucks.

I sat through a meeting today with folks for whom I used to be a star. They will still tell you they love me and all I did, but.......
I also listened to 'generic' statements of how bad it used to be and how I never stood up for them and never moved them to the next level (I was the manager), and I can't help but hurt.

I listen to Rudyard Kipling:
If you can stand to hear the words you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken
And stoop and fix them up with worn out tools
........you will be a man my son

I believe it. I understand it. Thankfully I have had a good 6 months of internal gut wrenching and separation anxiety, that has passed, and I feel good about not being all that anymore.
Neverthelessl.......I should have left by now

Regardless of how self assured I may be, or how many folks still allude to some past greatness, I have come to realize that memories are short lived. People can't stay still and rest on their laurels. If you want to continue with greatness, you have to continue to engage. If you want to leave a position of greatness, you have to leave a great distance.

Don't linger, don't wait, there is no rehabilitation for you here. Burn out, leave your mark and move on to do it all again!

Later-E

Inside Out

I see you so clearly but my own reflection
Is muddied and bloodied and lacking in vision
The moment you touch me, I'm shocked by the presence
Outside of my own introverted existence

Inside out maybe would help me see things from the other side
Never doubted all I had just never knew which way to ride

Oppressed my own hypocrisy
Subject to mediocrity
Why do I always let this sin
Take over me and worse yet win?

If I were to tell you something you should do
Please take my advice, it'll be good to you
It's just not for me because me is a question
I've yet to find answer, searched too long to mention

Inside out maybe would help me make a clearer choice
Tell myself repeatedly, yet inside there's no real voice

Disguised as any normal man
I struggle through as best I can
I tell myself, but we all know
There's so much more that could be shown

Do as i say not as I do
Hypocritical fucker that I
Am to give you advice while I glide
Through life on the side
Never taking the ride
Myself as I hide
Beneath self-righteous lies
But the way that I speak of
It is truly the right one
Just cannot take part
Take these words to my own heart

So, I leech my way through and I pray for salvation

Live!

The first time I died it was painful
The dirt filled my lungs and my joints slowly stiffened
The next time not nearly so memorable
Although still I recall that the time wasn't pleasant
At this point it's all second nature
I can numb myself right and just glide through it all
At this point I'm no more complainer
I can die anytime and get back on ball like it's nothing

First kill the senses
One at a time
Start with the smell
It's the easiest kind
Kill off the taste next
Just after the nose
Not easy to taste
When you can't smell a rose
Now go for your touch
A bit harder but still
If your life is in trouble
Won't take that much will
To kill off the sounds
Now we're getting somewhere
Almost totally numb
Just a bit more to pare down
The eyes are the hardest
To look but not see
Having come all this far though
Just listen to me
You can stop all the input
And live in a shell
Just remember it's not real
Man made living hell!!!!!

STOP! That's no way to live and surely no way to die
STOP! All you really have to do is realize
YOU! You are the one the everything
YOU! You make your own reality, so make it great!

Later-E

ROT

They gave you a room and a throne and a title
Made you the god of some crappy small something
Now you act just like your shit smells like roses
But in on the secret, you're no fucking king

So judge me not lest you get what I've got
Which is angry and noisy and somewhat insane
Let the stench of your rot, find another to haunt
And I'll keep all my baggage myself just the same

They gave you a pulpit to spew out those words
If words you can call that rhetorical garbage
So you sugar coat threats and feed lunch to the masses
If sight was but clear they would see it's just sewage
I just can't believe all the mess that you leave
In your wake leaving others to scoop up the waste
As if nobody sees from the passing of greed
Just left with a slight bittersweet aftertaste

They gave you the right to decide who should die
The right to let live is not nearly so cool
Now you hover above and make judgements so callous
Can't understand why the can't see the fool that you are......

So judge me not lest you get what I've got
Which is angry and noisy and somewhat insane
Let the stench of your rot, find another to haunt
And I'll keep all my baggage intact just the same

My baggage, your rot

Later-E

Can't go Back

Don't think to turn back, can't do it, can't turn time around
Don't think my last track is all that I've found I need to
Take a fork, up ahead in the road
I need to make a new way, ditch the cold
Don't sit and dwell upon all you've done, won't help this
Don't wallow, dry your tears, streaked in mud upon this
Pretty face, hidden under the scars
We can look a little differently, with our hearts
If we want, the world to be a brighter place
We must change our ways and shake this waste
And if all I've done and all I've not meant to do
Were to disappear, would I still be with you
Guess I can't regret any shit, good or bad along the way
It's brought me to this place and time, made me what I am today

and that's okay..........

Now only focused on my next step, let's take it
Now only care about what affects the real shit
Gonna sweep, all the dust behind
Gonna make a clean start, in my mind
Don't really need to know what comes next
Just realizing that the best is truly yet to come