Fuck you and your lame shit!

So I sit here, bitching with the better half about the time she spends online trying to arrange things to do with the kids and such.
Why? Because it takes 4+ hours of everyday, and the kids get 4 hours less.
In addition, the 4 hrs makes a 'crunch' out of the remaining time to get everything done for a family for the day.
So, the kids (whom my wife is supposed to be homeschooling) get 4+ hours less per day than they should.

She does this because she is the 'owner'/'manager' of a home school co-op.
It gets deeper, and becomes this:
If you do, you are increasingly expected to do more.
If you don't, and never have, people consider you a 'nice lameass' and involve you on into the future, EVEN THOUGH you never did a damn thing!

Wow, this pisses me off. My wife and I are both 'do-ers' and have never really been keen on recognition for efforts made.
But now....we bith at each other about the time we spend working towards endeavors that are under (if at all) appreciated.

So, Rudyard Kipling said:
'If you can watch the things you gave your life to, broken
And stoop to build them up, with worn out tools'
(skip)
'you'll be a man my son'

and this is really it.
For those of you who really do suck and don't do anything,
For those of you who say 'will you take care of me?' without giving of your soul.......

Fuck you and your lame shit!

Later-E

Can you Buy?

Can you really buy your way into heaven?
Apparently so........
If your steeple reaches higher, do you have head start?

Can you really buy another's soul outright?
Apparently so........
If you pay for every bruise and cut, you're welcome to the heart.

Is it really just about how much you make and how you spend?
Is the mark that we leave on the world that petty?
Can you truly be a good man and assume you've done it right?
When after all is said and done, you're not remembered

I believe that you can
That it comes from inside
That a man is a man when he deals with the pride
That comes from the right way
And albeit fleeting
If all were to think this and be this and try this
The world would be sweeter and it'd be a fine day

Can you really spend more, buy a better life?
Apparently so........
If your TV and your car are new and pricey you are cooler.

Will it make you happier to buy a pretty young wife?
Apparently so........
If you keep it up, you may actually fool them.

Into thinking it's about how much you make and how you spend
As you boast about your mark and how its bigger
And pretend to be a good man, but who would know with all the glitter
When after all is said and done, I hope it leaves you feeling better

And so the question at hand
The separation in question
Is the thought that one can be worthy without
Can be worthy without and without, can be worthy

Later-E

The Other Side

And now the morning comes you find
A bind, a tie to me
Knowing that my ship can sink
In less than a heartbeat

And yet you hold on tight
My love and all your might
Could see us through this shit and carry
Out the other side

My patience always lacking so
I start, I stop, I move
My ignorance is weak, it cannot
Keep the roadway smooth

I'm never really satisfied, I cry, I hide, I tell you lies
Someday within myself may find, a day, a way, to kill my pain
You are my shining moment, so I neglect and hurt you more
And love you while I hate you for not walking out the door

And we hold on tight
Your love and my might
Will find us through this shit and carry
Out the other side

I long for calm and easy days I say
That's really all just bullshit, as I celebrate my pain
The real deal and what I truly want
Is me and you to make it all the way

Regardless of what's on the other side

Later-E

The Phlegm Song (perhaps not finished)

Like many folks, my house is greeted each morning by a cacophony of nasty sounds, brought about by the families allergy afflictions.
I would guess the first 45 minutes or so of the day manifests as a series of back and forth hackings between players, much like a burping contest in vulgarity, but far less organized and a bit more violent.
So, in honor of all of that, I wrote a little ditty dedicated to the mucous member of the house.

EARLY IN THE MORNING
THE SILENCE PUSHES BACK
CAUSE EVERYONE IN MY HOUSE
AWAKENS WITH A HACK
(chorus)
OF SNOT AND PHLEGM
OH NO NOT AGAIN
OH PLEASE DON'T SNEEZE
DON'T MAKE IT SPRAY

IT COMES FROM EVERY CORNER
IT COMES FROM EVERY ROOM
THE CAT IS SNEEZING WITH US
SEEMS NO ONE IS IMMUNE

(chorus)

FROM MOUTH AND NOSE AND EYES AND EARS
FROM EVERYWHERE IT DRAINS
I CAN'T BELIEVE THERE'S SO MUCH SNOT
HAS SOMEONE LOST HIS BRAINS

(chorus)

Maybe more on this to come.....
Later....E

Memorial Day Reflection

So if you read my wife's blog and mine, you will see the theme.
Too long running along without paying much attention has led us to a place that is unfamiliar, unforgiving and uncomfortable at best.
But, now, we know it.
Today, she mentions reclaiming our lives. I am stuck on a reborn/reclaim my soul theme (have been for some time), and we are both down to the simplify and focus on real stuff idea.
It's so damn strange how quickly shit like this happens. It's really just a part of the big 'it all goes by so quickly' theme, but even though we all mention it, we rarely care to do anything about it.

I know, you are thinking do what about it? I appreciate that, since it seems to me that it was only yesterday I was grumbling about how far off my next holiday was (memorial day) and now here it is. I was just a brand new parent (oops, 7 years ago). I just moved up here to Seattle (oops, 10 years ago). So believe me, I get it.
But it's not about altering time itself, it's about using it to make yourself fullfilled and happy and living life to the dream.

I am as bad as anyone at saying 'I don't or I didn't have time to get to that'. That, by the way, is an absolute bullshit statement. It is a conflict avoidance statement, because the reality is 'I didn't choose to make the time for that'. That is ALWAYS the real deal.

Think about the different people you know and how many times you may have asked 'How do they have time for that?'. Whatever it is. Truth is, they have no more time than you, they just choose to spend it differently. Priorities and what is important take precedence.

The wrap-up here goes like this:
We tend to go through lots of fast motions without really going anywhere. We do this because we let other set our priorities and 'what is important' and neglect ourselves and our own needs in the process. Then one day (like today) we wake up and say 'what the hell am I doing'. I need to slow down and do for me and screw being a rat on a treadmill for someone or something else (that I don't really care about anyway).

David Byrne of the Talking Heads expressed the 'my god, what have I done' and 'how did i get here' beautifully, and this is the theme for Memorial day and me. Awakening to surroundings that are of my own making, yet completely foreign, only to realize I need to try again.

And here we go......
Later-E

So much to do, so little time for......work

So, my truly upbeat deal for today is that May 20th was a day of days!!!!!
A great day, a splendid day, a majestic day.

May 20 marks the day my hearing returned, and I have to say I can hear more now than I have since I was a little boy (or so it seems). I am amazed at how noisy the world really is.

Along with the ears clearing, so did my head. I am no longer tired, bored or 'killing time' in a daze. I feel renewed, fresh and I realize that there is so much to do, and so much I really want to do. During this entire period of 'down', I started little personal projects in the hopes of some contstructive therapy, but they didn't get far. Really just built up a huge list of unfinished 'stuff', some of which I can leave but most of which I REALLY do want to do.
And so, I realize that I have very little time for work.

Sure, we need to put in our hours to get our pay. Sure, I have always taken great pride and gone the extra mile (mentally and physically) for my job. But not now.
Now, the extra mile is mine to spend playing games with my kids. It is mine to sing and dance with my wife. It is mine to read, write, think, dream, share, play and do. It is mine.

Selfishly, I leave my office and thoughts of work here in my desk drawer, refusing to burden my backpack with all that baggage.

I am moving on to a new job sometime this Summer, and maybe then I will revert to what is a natural tendency to overdo it. But for now, with the flowers blooming and the sun beating down, the time is my time and I am holding onto it like a gift.

I will share my time, if you need some, but don't ask me about work. Work has had it's allotment for now.

Later-E

So I mentioned being a 9

In one of my former posts, which is something I just recently read about, but something I've been thinking about for about 6 months.

It is very strange in a way......I picked up on the number 9 and the nanogram through the whole Slipknot 'behind the nine' and 'outside the nine' theme, and of course, their nanogram symbol.

I am so into the symbol that I needed one of my own, and my very talented wife created a family crest with a nanogram and our runic initials around it (on the main jadeherder.com site). So, why would I care about 9?

I actually came about it through discussion on the Slipknot symbol and whether or not it was Satanic. By the way, it's not. It is truly so far from Satanic in meaning that the reference is laughable.

The nanogram, 9 pointed star, represents unity and completeness in nearly every religion out there, and even more in numerologic study. It is the trinity of trinities, it is potential for achievement and greatness. It represents body, mind and spirit and a unification of all three. If you want to know more, there are lots of online references. I could really go on and on, from chakra-eastern references, to judeo-christian references, to pagan references (celtic, asatru and more....).

One more bit of background to the story.....One of the common portrayals of the figure is as an enneagram. This is a unique nine-pointed star in that it has 'legs' on the bottom, not completing a full circuit connection. It is used in personality profiling and is supposed to be representative of the 9 'types' associated with personality. So my mom, knowing all of this interest, brings me a book last week on the enneagram in work and relationships.

I read and look at the characteristics for each type and there it is, a 9. Now, we are all many numbers depending upon situation and mood and such, but the idea is to find your dominant type. 9 is a mediator. 9 is good, right? Well, sure, but only if I act. 9 has a tendency to be a sloth, for lack of a more appropriate word. If I get fired up about something, I can act upon it with great energy and success, but it has to be a cause outside of myself. I am horrible at even understanding/acknowledging my own needs, which leads to personal indecision and what appears to be radically impulsive behavior. I say appears to be because if I act for self, it is the result of an extended period of contemplation (and usually decline).

There is so much more on this that was appropriate for me, but I will stop with this for now, since I am not wanting to write a book today.
The main bit is, that although it is somewhat disheartening to have your own shortcomings laid out like that, especially if they ring true to you, it is also gratifying to know all of this with how I currently feel.
I am on the verge of something new. One of those radical changes (which maybe won't seem so radical since I have been speaking about it), and I am excited.
Corey painted a lovely picture of this 'rock bottom', with:
"I'll keep slipping farther, but once I hold on, I won't let go til it bleeds"

So I'm grabbing and I'm jazzed about it.
Later-E

I really miss hearing stuff

So this one is kind of gross, but such is life.....a little gross at times.

My ears get clogged every few years. I've been told there is really nothing to do about it, that the shape of my ear canal has just screwed me. Nifty huh?
And when I say clogged, wow, you have no idea. Tongue stuck in a coke bottle, nothing. More of a sink that has had an entire bottle plus of draino poured in it, and been plunged for 6 hours with a variety of plungers, and still clogged.

So I knew it was time to clean them. I did the deal and flushed them out and the next day (wednesday, yesterday) I couldn't hear. Further examination showed that I had moved the clogs from the very very inside of the ear into the smaller portion of the ear canal (woohoo, they were moving out!) but both sides were now incredibly stuck and my hearing was completely gone. I will only casually mention that there are some extreme waves of pain in each ear as well. When I had originally gone to the doctor about this (I was 15/16 the first time) my mother and I had spent a lovely 6-8 hours in the clinic while they flushed with peroxide and a water syringe, tried to get the crap with tweezers and even used a little vaccum, only to end up in the same situation. I had to repeat the entire process for several days until I was relieved and could hear again.

I'm glad I remember that one, because since then the 2 or 3 times this has happened, I have simply done it myself. It did take the better part of a day each time and really hurts my ears, but success and move on. This time, it is really really really bad. I am on day 2 of no hearing and that is really the point of the story.

No hearing sucks. Well, I can hear a big wave of white noise, but nothing else. If you have never experienced not being able to hear, while I don't recommend it, it does bring some true appreciation to the sense. I feel like I am underwater AND in a cave WITH earplugs in. I can feel sound okay, but really have to be looking to understand anything. And for someone with normal hearing most of the time, it is accompanied by constant 'huh?' and 'what did you say's, with concern that I am either speaking too loud or too quiet myself.

Grrrrr. So all of this spewed out in just about 2 minutes, but I had to say something. I am a little freaked out and since I can't hear and don't want to talk, this was the deal.

I hope I can hear later today or tomorrow, because I really miss hearing stuff.

Later-E

So apparently I stand for vanilla!

Got a lovely email today from corporate. It told me that I couldn't be political at work. Sounds benign, yes? We don't want a bunch of campaigning for 'stuff' in the workplace.

Funny part is, if I wasn't at this juncture in life/mind, as it comes to my job, it probably wouldn't have bothered me much. At this point, I even find that comment concerning, because the message is subtle, casual, and erodes at individuality in the most sneaky fashion.

What it really said, was 'take it down another notch towards vanilla, towards same, towards homogeneity'. The ultimate vision of this train of thought is inevitably filled with automatons, playing their roles and eventually walking callously and carelessly towards their demise (usually a distubing demise). We tell this story all the time, in a variety of ways. Usually there is a hero or small band of heroes that rebel against this epitomy of the 'the man' and break free (or not, if it is meant to be dark) of tyranny.

While we love this movie, and want so badly to be that hero, we live our day to day lives in increasing anonimity, supressing our individuality for a 'nicer' world, for a kinder and softer place to work. I understand it, I can see both sides (as usual, I am an enneagram 9 as I will discuss later), but I want to share my awareness in hopes that all can be aware of the little ways this paradigm sneaks into our world.

The larger the entity, and the more human components specifically, the more there is a need for this vanilla presentation. Each cog in the machine can break more than itself through poor behavior. Each cog can wreck a business relationship(s), cause a staff mutiny, create unrest and inefficiency. So each cog has to be fine tuned to fit. With people, it is not only to fit, but to make them content with their fit. Thus enters the world of the spindoctors and real doctors. With sweet nothings and calming medications, they coax us into acceptance one piece at a time. I understand this. I want no part of it.

We all should have a point where we 'draw a line' in the bartering of our souls for something 'greater'. If you take the true vanilla path, I don't dog you, I just hope you are getting something good out of it personally. If not, you've been duped.

So back to my point and to wrap it up on this one, they told me I couldn't stand for anything political in any work association/environment. Not at the office, or (as previously stated to me) not when anyone who knows me may associate my employer and I. So, only in the privacy of my own home, basically. Keep in mind, all social, health, justice, economic, environmental, and even pop culture topics (unless vanilla) are political. Mmmmm, so who am I and what do I stand for? Please don't ask me. Once I knew, but since I cannot practice, I have forgotten entirely and now I stand for my vanilla company only.

Later-E

Corporate Placebos

So I have a theme these days, as you can see.
Especially on the 3 days a week I come into my office in downtown Seattle.
The drive gives me lots of time to contemplate things, which often end up revolving around the futility and waste of the moments I spend on this work related crap.

But today, the specific theme is about corporate placebos. We are (as I type this) having a monthly all hands company meeting downstairs. Needless to say, I am not in attendance. If asked, I will state that I have lots of work to do and I can always read the power point. Truth is I glanced at the power point already. I wasn't shocked in the least by what I saw, but it did increase my resolve to not be in attendance. It was a 20 slide sales pitch from management to the staff. It always is. And it always says the same stuff. And it always means absolutely nothing, although the graphs and such are pretty.

And yet.........it appeases the masses and they go back to their cells feeling better for having had their insubstantial position within a huge and uncaring corporate beast validated. They will sleep better tonight and be more productive tomorrow knowing that the bottom line margins are on the rise (pretty graphs of upward market trends make for positive feelings). WHAT THE HELL?

Where did we learn this behavior of passive acceptance and even positive self-sacrifice to the corporate gods? When did we become convinced that the company was more important than the family and friend? By the way, this last bit is neatly wrapped up in the idea that you can't help your family and friends if you aren't successful at work, thus the more important commitment to the job. and again, WHAT THE HELL?

So I sit up here and type, knowing that downstairs there are faces smiling with blissful ignorance and listening to 3 hours of corporate placebos designed to make them better slaves. Wow.

Later-E

Happy Mother's Day!

To all Mothers, of all shapes and sizes and ages and colors and species and such!!!!
Let me re-phrase, to all Good Mothers out there.

It is a day to celebrate good mothers, those that nurture us and enable us to grow, first close at hand, under tight supervision, and eventually on our own, taught all the right things along the way and confident in our independence.
That is such a sacrifice, what I so shortly said above. To love and teach and care and nurture, to towards the ultimate goal of letting go, and watching your dedication fly away on its own.

And a good mother does this.

Good Mothers can be spiritual, they can be tangible and they can be yours alone or not yours at all. I, for one, am fortunate to know of several real, tangible good mothers, and I celebrate them today.

My mother is a good mother. I could write novels and poems and epics dedicated to my mother and the portrayal would so fall short of actually knowing her (and even better, knowing her as a mother).

My wife is a good mother. Again, not really word-worthy the respect she deserves and the admiration I feel.

I know other good mothers, directly and in my family, and for that I am fortunate. These mothers do their thing without really being told all of this (once again, beyond words and hard to express), to fullfill a purpose and role greater than themselves and worthy of awe.

I hope you know a good mother. Your mother, your wife, your girlfriend, your daughter, your friend, your neighbor, your grandma, your teacher, your best friend's mom, etc. If you do, think of them today. Send them some energy to pay back for all they have given the world. It is the least we can do and something we should do more often.

To all good mothers and especially to 'my' good mothers, all of my love and respect!

Later-E

Saturday Poetry

So, I'll cheese out for today's post and share something that came to me this week.
It is (as nearly always) and unfinished piece, and maybe someday......

SLIPPING BACK
As water trickles through it grows
No need for big ass floods
As love nurishes me, I know
To rise out of the mudd

In which I wallow
Daily, hollow
Getting nowhere
Wanting somewhere

Now, it's greater than I can forsee
It's everything that I believe and more
Not something to deceive I can't
Even imagine slipping back

As lifeblood flows, the souls alive
No need for sacrifice
It courses through, beyond me thrives
And feeds me with the life

Which I deny
I break I hide
Deep down inside
Now can't deny that

It's greater than I can forsee
It's everything that I believe and more
Not something to deceive I can't
Even imagine slipping back

Slipping back a slippery slope
Slipping back a tightening rope
Around my neck, around my thoughts
Of slipping back and staying lost

Later-E

Minimal life and the polysyllabic

And we talk and plan and plan and talk and talk and plan and do a tiny bit (just enough to make the overall effort even more frustrating).
Then we talk and plan and plan and talk some more.

And so, each day, I think a little more before I speak. Not just to reduce the noise (and by this I refer to negativity, part of the anti-complaining theme) but to maximize the impact and validity of what I do say.

Commitments with no follow through. Idle threats without consequence. Dreams and visions without motivations. It is all 'wind', all noise, all a waste of precious air and airtime.

Better that I hear the sound of nothing, doing nothing and being proud of nothing, than to hear the false sounds of thoughts, promises and plans left unheeded, fading by the wayside in an ever growing pile.

For everyone, but especially to kick myself in the ass-E

Please sir, can I have More???

Actually, it would be sweet if folks asked that nicely, or if they really needed more like little Olly did. Sad truth is that you give them a little more and it is never enough. And....no polite requests, no grateful receipts. Just a higher bar and a greater demand and a perceived need that becomes a gripe and bitch and whine if not fullfilled.

Wow, so I have kids. I try really really hard to get them to understand the finer points here. One the one side, having 'stuff' is fun. Why not have some stuff if you can? But I also don't want them to invest in stuff that really isn't important.

I have been in fairly good shape, materially, since my kids have become aware, and so I know I provide more 'stuff' than is probably good for them. I try to tell stories of having nothing, but you know, they are stories. But they are good kids, I know they understand enough to try and they have the right idea in mind, so I have hope locally. Globally, I'm not sure.

I know that there is a huge part of me that strives for more and more along these same lines, based on pressures I try to understand, to quelch, but to no avail. I am not totally failing, and I do have some self-control, and a good attitude about the fleeting nature of the material, but still.....if and when I can, I grab that 'thing' I only use once, that gives me some momentary small degree of gratification (maybe just from the purchase itself), and I participate in the waste and want more of it all.

What's the point here? Maybe focus and nothing more. I am enough of a hedonist to believe in self-obliging, but I remain concerned with extremes. This is especially true when those extremes have detrimental effects on the world outside of oneself. So, focus a bit more. Pause as you reach for the checkout item. Don't slow down as you swing past the fast food place on the way home to a full fridge. If you have it all, try to curtail the urge to want it more.
And when you do indulge, be grateful, be polite, be respectful. Try not to take with a selfishness or righteousness. Love your indulgence for what it is and thank the world for the opportunity to have it.

Later-E

Anger and discontent part 2

So today (Wednesday) is the first day I have come to the office this week.
I worked at home, remotely, for the past two days.
I will again tomorrow, and then I will actually be in the office again on Friday.

Sounds nice? Does to me. Except for the part where I come into the office. I preface this whole thing with a glimpse of my schedule so that we can get right to the 'you have a lot of gaul to complain about this' part, and the 'good lord, you are spoiled' part.
Fine, from some view others have it far worse on the job front, but as I heard it said once, 'my problems may not seem as severe as your problems, but they are still my problems and they still mean a lot to me'. I'm pretty sure that was Ugly Betty.

Anyway, funny part is this. I woke up feeling great. As you see from my last few posts, although the environment at my office is bullshit, I have mentally stepped back and was thinking 'no biggy' 'just a job' and 'I'm quitting soon anyway', and feeling pretty good about it.
Then I got in the car to come to the office. 26 miles to my office, takes me about 45 minutes. With each mile that passed and each moment that flew by, it got harder and harder for me to breathe.
By the time I pulled into Seattle itself, I was light headed and felt like I was about to puke. Nice huh? Happens to me every time I come in here. Wow.
Most of the things I have to say about this I already stated in part 1, but I thought a nice example followup would be good. I mean, hear I am thinking it's all okay, but apparently, it is really still not okay.

Just tells me I need to continue to make moving on more of a priority in life and renew my efforts to have this gig all wrapped up by the end of May.

So, just like on other Monday/Wed/Fridays (the days I try to come to the office) I can't make it through a full day and will be leaving as soon as I finish this post. It is 2PM. I've only been here 6 hours, but that is all I can take. There are still a few things I want to do for work after I get home, but I probably won't. The difference now is that I am not dwelling in any guilt for that sentiment.

Later-E

What do we strive for?

A king, a god a president?

Good luck and by the way, my sympathy.
To be that much, for so many, isn't really human it's superhuman. I believe in people that can do this, but for most of us, we ought re-think the aspiration.

Do you really want to be king? OK, maybe out of all of those king sounds best. At least it leaves us with nice visions of personal gratification without social concern (not a very kingly king, but whatever). Keep in mind, however, that those kinds of kings tend to live short and painfully ended lives.

Do you really want to be President? If you do, right off I feel you to be unqualified. For the most part, I think that is crazy talk. Who in their right mind would want to be considered the most powerful man in the world, with the big-ass target that comes with it and the big-ass responsibility as well. All of this, and we won't pay you like a pro-ball player, or even a high-powered lawyer. So, again, until I get to know you and appreciate your truly non-personal sacrifice for what it is, I believe this aspiration attracts only power-hungry and unworthy individuals.

Do you want to be God? God forbid! I won't really go here other than to say it is both of the others on steroids, plus more! Have you ever played Sim-Earth? Hell, that is too much for me to track. Never would I want to be God (someone's personal God or the world's God, way too much of not me in that).

So, as always, I come back to George Bailey. I come back to David. I come back to personal triumph and grass roots commitments. I truly envy those that can put on a global hat and fight for the many. But I, for one, can't get beyond the few....those I know, those I love. I have said before that if saints had children, those children would resent them. They would resent being personally denied for the 'greater good'. I admire those folks, but I don't think the world has, or needs, too many of them.

We should drop the crap that tells us to be President, that tells us to be Mother Theresa, that tells us to be King, and remember to be George Bailey.

And I leave you with this:
If you look to your life for a person you admire and that influenced you immensely, chances are it will NOT be a famous person, a king or a God. Chances are it is a neighbor, a family member, a teacher, a coach.
So, what do you want to be? How and by whom do you want to be remembered?

-E

So much to do and so little time

Although I feel the pressure of those words as keenly as the next guy, come on and think about it.

So much to do..............why? For whom? If it isn't for yourself, it is truly pointless and is a waste of time (which I thought we felt strapped for in this context). I have never believed in true unselfish sacrifice (an entirely different discussion), and am therefore disheartened by the idea that time is wasted 'doing for others'. If you are in such a state that you feel your time is spent wasting away for the benefit of something else, you had best review some life priorities.
Productivity in a true selfish sense cannot really be measured empirically, but rather felt through the satisfaction of obliging oneself. Productivity, as defined externally, with volume or quality standards is a huge crock of shit.

And what about 'so little time'. You know, you choose to do what you choose to do with your time. There are trade-offs, there could be consequences, but nevertheless, your time is spent how you choose to spend it. You can prioritize your job, your health, your family, your fun. You can take the same income and raise a family, see the world, gamble or buy illegal drugs. The world is, in fact, your oyster, and you can grab whatever you think looks like a pearl, but you have to choose to do so.

Even with all of this said, there is another, even deeper issue with it, which has to do with folks not knowing themselves, not believing in themselves and not empowering themselves. Raised with an 'aim to please' attitude, most of us don't even know what it is we would chose for ourselves and our time. Instead we walk through it all molded by the influence around us and feeling unsatisfied that behaving 'according to plan' isn't getting us off.

Everyone should step back for a moment, stop filling their lives with things just to fill time while bitching about their time shortages, and focus for a moment on what they see in a perfect vision, and how to spend more of their truly precious time, working towards that vision.

Later-

Breeding Anger and Malcontent

I currently exist in a really, really strange place-work wise.
Always with an anti-establishment bend, I have waited a long time to post anything about this, thinking that my slant on life was jading some view of reality and making me more pessimistic than I ought to be, but no.
The company I work for is truly broken, abusive, caustic and a breeding ground for anger, malcontent, depression, addiction and worse.

Keeping in mind that I have worked for a lot of companies in my career. Never been much for staying in place long term. My current position I have held for about 3.5 years now (which is rather long term for me), but I am done. I have watched so many good people come into this with positive goals, great attitudes, and the energy to conquer the world. Within 6 months, I have watched these folks turn into abusive, disgruntled addicts, steeped in negativity and becoming more unhealthy with each passing day.

When I started, it was a relatively small company, just shy of 100. We all worked hard to conquer the world, and although it was a lot of effort, it was a community/team/family effort. There was still 'stupidity' and individual angst and a good deal of turnover, but it was different. Not as explosive. Not as depressive. Not as repressed.

Then the company was purchased by a company of more than 30,000 employees. Initially the optimism of having greater access to resources, a more established structure, the notion of size equaling security, etc. brought a wave of excitement for what could come next.
The honeymoon ended quickly, honestly never really even getting underway. When all was said and done, and the dust of the deal had cleared, the staff was left feeling marginalized, ignored, 'backwatered' and unempowered.

That was just over a year ago, and I have watched over 1/2 of the original staff leave since then. Not to move forward or take a new opportunity, but rather to run away from the abusive 'mother' organization.

Draped in corporate cliches and placebos, I see a real evil here. I have watched suicide attempts and self-induced serious illness stemming from depression, and anger. The anger is probably the worst part, since it seeps out and threatens to engulf anything that passes close.

Although these kinds of reactions and issues can occur on some level in all groups and across society, the percentage that comes out of this particular environment is a statistical outsider, begging the question 'what is wrong here?'

I have some ideas on that, but I will hold them for another moment. For now, while I work my way out of the job with as much grace as I can muster, I offer this post as a tribute to the fallen and an accusation of a great wrong that is being done in the world.

Till later,